The Main Event
After a triumphant opening bout, it was with some trepidation that fans of the Newcastle Roller Girls peered over the balcony as the Glasgow Maiden Grrders took to the track for their warm-up. These girls looked tough. Like they meant business. They had choreographed warm-up drills, some rather smart kit, plus their name alone was enough to inspire fear in us English softies. They must brush their teeth with Irn Bru. In all seriousness, on paper the home side would have a tough test, the Scottish side being the second string of a team of All-Stars containing no fewer than 11 internationals who had skated in the recent Roller Derby World Cup. But our Canny Belters are not easily intimidated, and as they took to the track to begin the bout if there were any nerves, you couldn’t tell. They looked fierce as always, and the crowd were ready to roar them to victory.
1st Half
And what a start they made, stamping their authority on the game from the off as Miss Wired took lead jammer and made two great passes, shimmying through the pack whilst Bettie BasHer performed her pivot work with style, the blockers for Newcastle knee-deep in complex tactics already, and the score rocketing up to 20-0. The next jam was a powerjam and Newcastle’s Überschnell fought her way through the pack defying gravity to stay on her feet and pick up 5 points.
Sarah McMillan took lead jammer in successive jams for the Maiden Grrders but called them off presumably for tactical reasons without picking up a great deal of points; Von Sleaze meanwhile had stepped in as jammer for the Canny Belters and was doing some fine work, taking their lead back to 20 points, which was immediately improved upon by Captain Brie Larceny who took lead jammer after the pack was destroyed and picked up a hard fought 8 points.
It was all going Newcastle’s way in the opening minutes, strong jamming and tactical blocking working for them, an expertly executed bridging move (yes, I spotted it) slowing down the winner for the best name of the afternoon, Glasgow’s ‘The Very Hungry Splatterkiller’, and preventing her from picking up any points on her jam. It occurred to me that I had never seen the Canny Belters lose a bout. I wondered smugly if I might be some sort of good luck charm.
Marie Bayonet and Glasgow’s Fighting Torque picked up 4 points each for their respective teams before Miss Wired defied the laws of physics, nimbly sliding through the pack like a spirit in the night to score a grand slam before calling off the jam, leaving the Glaswegian blockers wondering whether or not she was actually 2-dimensional. Von Sleaze followed up with a few points before she was called for a penalty. This led to a long and drawn out debate between team line-up manager Man-Shaped Dog and the referee. No-one really seemed to grasp what was going on but there was a fine display of moves going on down on the jam line, with both teams throwing some shapes whilst they waited to get on with the show.
The break in play seemed to unsettle the Newcastle girls and despite some great blocking from both Kalamity James and Lone Danger, both were eventually sent to the penalty box leaving the Canny Belters short and facing their first real test, sustained pressure from the Glasgow jammer allowing the visitors to almost double their points total in a short space of time. The game proceeded in fits and starts, with time outs and stoppages, Von Sleaze and Miss Wired jamming for NRG both picking up a few points, but whenever the home side stretched their lead the Scottish visitors would close the gap, Sarah McMillan picking up four points for the Maiden Grrders despite a superb backwards bridge from the NRG pack. The score was 63-39.
The momentum was definitely swinging in a northerly direction at this point, the Grrders clawing back more points through lead jammer Rogue, before the slippery Miss Wired made another great breakthrough but found herself unable to accrue any points as confusion reigned, a miscommunication over whether or not her jam had been called off leading to the opposing jammer taking lead; the crowd was mystified. The points board appeared to be experiencing similar bafflement as it kept changing, and I struggled to keep up with the points being scored as they racked up on both sides, but the Maiden Grrders appeared to be taking a firmer grip on the bout and the Canny Belters' lead started to slip away, and was all but gone as a great jam for Rogue brought the visitors within 3 points of their hosts despite even more great pack work from the Belters who managed to slow her down rapidly with the bridging tactic.
Although the lead was trickling away, it could have been a lot worse as the blockers’ excellent discipline had minimised Glagsgow’s scoring opportunities and the Canny Belters were given a massive boost just before half time, as Überschnell had a powerjam and clearly thought ‘have it’, making a series of passes and picking up a fantastic 16 points to register treble figures for the home side and give them a real boost going into the break.
Half time score: 104-75
2nd Half
The second period began in much the same way as the first had ended; with NRG in the ascendancy. Von Sleaze and Miss Wired both picked up points. A jam later saw both ladies in starry helmets collapsing in a heap, Fighting Torque somehow picking up lead jammer and Überschnell being sent to the sinbin. The resulting powerjam was costly for the home side, as the Maiden Grrders pack slowed almost to a halt to let their champion past as many times as possible, and despite a sterling effort from the Canny Belters, in particular the imperious Kalamity James, Glasgow’s girls picked up almost 20 points.
111-95 was the score and a grim war of tactical attrition saw the points scoring slow right down. The Maiden Grrders took the knee on the jam line, but some strong blocking and the return of the hitherto banished Überschnell meant that scoring was kept to a minimum. Fighting Torque had another turn as lead jammer, calling off her jam before NRG’s Bettie BasHer could catch up.
This was a war of nerves, as Glasgow picked up a point here and there, and did their damnedest to stop NRG doing the same, their jammers not giving an inch and forcing NRG’s jammers to call off jams early, eking away at the deficit between the teams and driving in a wedge of uncertainty – they were turning the screw. Captain Brie Larceny took control as pivot, abandoning the high-scoring but dangerous knee start in favour of a rolling start, moving her pack off at speed to see if this could help shift momentum back in Newcastle's favour.
Another long timeout was followed by a hard-fought battle for lead jammer which was won by Sarah McMillan, who proceeded to make a full grand slam pass and pick up 5 points. 112-107 – the tension was building and it was palpable all around the building. Vice Captain Von Sleaze took her turn but was declared ‘not lead jammer’ to everyone’s surprise, however NRG blocker Sniper Viper did some great work to allow her jammer through second time around, this time to take lead jammer and 5 points. Touché.
There were some more cagey jams, keeping the score poised agonisingly with less than 10 between the two sides until Miss Wired and Von Sleaze again added to the points total, the latter despite NRG being a blocker down but ably assisted by two of the remaining pack members who made a bridge to allow her through to pick up 4. Then the Very Hungry Splatterkiller, despite awesome name-selection skills, was not able to beat Kalamity James to lead jammer, the latter picking up 4 points thanks in no small point to some further tactical excellence by the Belter blockers (they sound like heart medicine – and you’ll need some after you’ve messed with them! HA!)
The feisty Fighting Talk beat our own Miss Wired to lead in the next jam and despite a formidable hipcheck from Big Smack and Fries she went on to grab a fistful of points, the Canny Belters’ lead hanging by a thread and made even more precarious when Miss Wired was sent to the bin putting the Grrders on the powerjam – the scales tilted and suddenly the visitors took the lead after a massive jam – it was 129-135. A much needed time-out was taken to settle the jangling nerves.
The sinbin started to fill up with NRG skaters, as they tried desperately to limit Glasgow’s burgeoning lead, but the resultant no-pack situations just gave rise to further penalties and it threatened to spiral out of control. Von Sleaze and Überschnell steadied the ship, both taking a turn as lead jammer, and the hapless scoreboard official struggled to keep up with the frenetic pace of the game, rendering me completely unable to write down the correct score and keep track of the action. It was 132-162 in favour of the Grrders when NRG finally returned to full strength. I think.
Miss Wired and Bettie BasHer both collected a couple of points for the Canny Belters as they tried to sneak their way back into the bout in the closing minutes. The comeback was on – but would there be enough time? Rogue could not extend the visitors' lead as she was pegged back by her opposite number Von Sleaze who made a perfect hit, forcing Rogue to call off the jam. Überschnell took lead jammer next and in a last ditch attempt to draw her side level, tore through the Maiden Grrders’ depleted pack repeatedly, the crowd roaring her on, calling off the jam at the perfect time – 155-164.
There were just 9 points in it and it would go down to the final jam, in which Kalamity James did incredibly well to stay on her feet but could only increase the home side’s tally by one as the Glasgwegian blockers made her life difficult and with a few seconds left on the clock, it seemed to be over. It wasn’t actually over though. Or was it? Nobody seemed to know. Not for the first time that afternoon, confusion reigned. It was an anti-climatic end to what had been a rip-roaring clash between two fantastic roller derby sides but it sadly ended in defeat for the Newcastle Roller Girls, by just the slimmest of margins, the final score 156-164.
Mission accomplished? Did I sound like I knew what I was talking about? I'm not a lucky charm, as it turns out, but it was canny exciting, as they say up here in the north-east, and I urge you to get your fine behinds down to the next bout as you don’t know what you’re missing. Or actually, perhaps you do, seeing as I’ve just told you. But to re-emphasize: hot girls, hotpants, fishnets, roller skates, hits (totally legal and non-rule-breaking ones), excitement, tension, cake, music, popcorn, frivolity and even beer if you care to partake of such things. Nice!
Photos by me! For a change!
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