Daylight Slayings: NRG Canny Belters v Glasgow Maiden Grrders - Part 1

Preview
It was a few weeks prior to my third live roller derby experience, and I was starting to feel like a bit of a failure. If you included the B team bouts, I’d technically received four whole competitive roller derby-ing’s and I’d even had a go at it myself (albeit that was mainly just the trying to stand up on wheels part of the game). I wasn’t a newbie anymore – I should be some sort of expert by now, surely? Slightly alarmed by the fact that I still didn’t know what the blithering hell was going on for much of the time and with a pathological need to know more about sports I joined the ladies at their pre-bout training session to be put through my paces by senior team member Kalamity James, who schooled me on rules and tactics, and left me feeling like a bit more of a roller derby geek, armed with such phrases as ‘taking the knee’, ‘man on’ and ‘bridging’. I will be eagle-eyed and on the lookout out for these plays on Saturday and with my new-found understanding of the depth of the game (three days revision dependent) I shall bring to you in glorious technicolour the blow-by-blow account of the action between Newcastle Roller Girls and their Scottish opponents.

Oh and I also got a sneak preview of the team intros as they choreographed them before my very eyes. The news is, they’re pro’s even when they’re not in the public eye. But then, you’d never have any suspected less, would you.

I even went above and beyond the call of duty, reading and digesting the admittedly slim 43-page rulebook prior to the bout. I’ll be honest, I haven’t read the official rulebooks for many sports, but I’m sure it has to be the only serious sporting rulebook that contains multiple uses of the word ‘booty’, feels the need to actively define choking, biting and kicking as illegal moves, and seeks to penalise someone who is the victim of being tripped or pushed over, merely because they land in a sprawling position. Heaven forbid! Also illegal, apparently, is extended touching to an opponent’s illegal target zone. Oo, and indeed er. This sport is pure filth. Nevertheless I found it thoroughly enlightening, plus it had a glossary to which I will be referring frequently in my post-bout write-up. So expect to hear things that make me sound like I know what I’m doing!

Now, on with the action!

So two more good hard roller derby’ings were about to be administered to my delicate self, but boy did I feel ready for it this time! Armed with my awesome bits of stuff courtesy of my extra-curricular roller derby activity, I was ready to take on the world, one jam at a time.

B Team Bout: Whippin’ Hinnies v Furness Firecrackers

In a sport as relatively new as roller derby, rules are being challenged and subverted at all times, and the migration of the pack back from the pivot line to the jam line is one key tactic which seems to be deployed by all teams, A, B or C. Having had the ‘team photo start’ explained to me fully I now knew what to expect and the Whippin’ Hinnies made full use of it in the opening jams of their bout, ‘taking the knee’ on the jam line to get the advantage over their opponents and get their jammers off to a flying start. They had it down to a fine art in fact, and so well drilled were they that their first three jams were without reply, jammers Penny Bizarre and Carm Like A Bomb picking up four points each in turn to take a commanding early lead 12-0.

The jams kept on rolling for the Whippin’ Hinnies and they extended their lead to 20 points without reply, playing a simple tactical game, picking up lead jammer and making one full pass of the pack to gain four points before calling off the jam. They were clearly sticking successfully to their game plan, the first deviation coming when the Firecrackers finally picked up lead jammer, but she proceeded to fall and was unable to pick up any points, Carm Like A Bomb pouncing and picking up another 4 to punish her opponent’s mistake.

The bout kicked up a gear, as a no-pack situation caused by Furness allowed Guinefear of Jamelot (fabulous name) through to lap the opposing jammer and score five points to the Firecrackers’ 1. 37-2. The first full two minute jam came shortly afterwards, Penny Bizarre making two successful passes, slowed by the opposing blockers on her third but still crashing through, picking up 15 points and allowing the Hinnies to storm into a 46 point lead. Some feistiness started to creep in and penalties began to be dished out, and the home side showed their first signs of weakness, no-pack issues allowing Furness to pick up four points to take their score into double figures. However with Carm Like A Bomb picking up lead jammer on the next jam any worries were soon laid to rest, one of the blockers laying a good hit on an opponent to allow her teammate through to take the score to an impressive 65-11, Carm calling off the jam before Furness were able to pick up points. Some good blocking from Newcastle minimised the visitors’ chances to extend their lead and despite the jammers trading penalties just before half time, both teams were able to pick up a few more points each to go into the break 74-16.

It would take some sort of monumental collapse for the hosts to lose this, surely? You would think, but nothing can be taken for granted in roller derby where a good jam can see a team pick up 20 points or more, so the Hinnies would need to be careful and continue to stick to their so far very well-executed game plan. The teams traded points early in the second half, Furness with a couple of powerjams, some selfless blocking from Meli McSly leaving her on her way to the penalty box but preventing the Firecrackers from a rout of a jam as they started to creep back into the contest. That's taking one for the team if ever I saw it.

The score stood at 82-34 and Furness were chipping away at the deficit but the Whippin Hinnies took control once again, the omnipresent Carm Like A Bomb scoring a ‘grand slam’ on her jam (5 points, as she also lapped the opposing jammer) and continued sterling work from the blockers keeping the Firecrackers’ scoring down. There was no doubt the teams were more level second half, the visitors cottoning on to the taking the knee start, managing to use it to their advantage on a number of occasions, and the scores increased on both sides of the scoreboard. Jamming for Newcastle, Indijo was tripped by a Furness skater but managed to rack up four points, and Dollface Dynamo picked up a few more. Furness were about to take lead jammer but a great take-out from the Hinnies allowed Carm to get through instead and take the home side’s score to three digits. 101-46.

A rare two minute jam saw a raft of points for Furness jammer Hell for Heather, but the Hinnies picked some up too and it looked unlikely that the Cumbrian girls would be able to oust the determined Newcastle skaters. Their heads dropped and the unassailable lead grew and grew, a final jam seeing Penny Bizarre make pass after pass, picking up an incredible 23 points. Final score 137-57. Much love and cuddles ensued.

Newcastle’s B team go from strength to strength giving the team one of those very nice dilemmas – who to select for the A team? Carm Like a Bomb and Penny Bizarre both stood out and will give Captain Brie Larceny a selection headache during future bouts. Well done to all of the Whippin' Hinnies on a well-deserved victory!

Join me later for a play-by-play review of the action in the Main Event!

Photo by Idene Roozbayani