The Amazing Adventures of a Rookie Roller Girl III

Week 3: Thursday 18th August 2011

Every awesome adventure series comes in three parts, so consider this the conclusion to a trilogy of extreme ineptitude: how will it end for our intrepid heroine? Will she escape to her American holiday unscathed or will there be last minute disaster as she skates into a wall and breaks her face?

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t the end for me and roller derby; far from it. But as I’m taking an enforced hiatus due to a three-week holiday to the USA, now feels like a good time to reflect on my inauspicious beginnings in this new venture of mine. After the frustration of week two when I singularly failed to master a single skill, I went into my third week of training with more than a little trepidation; I hate being crap at things - it just annoys me. And I was glum at the prospect of failing some more. In addition to that, I REALLY couldn’t afford to have any accidents what with my pending trip. Imagine my surprise when I put my skates on and the whole thing just sort of... clicked into place. I wasn’t doing anything fancy, oh no, just going forwards at a reasonable pace, and negotiating bends with relative ease, but that in itself was a vast improvement. I actually felt a sense of joy to be back on skates. I felt quite smug. Then we were told to practice our crossovers. Damn. It had all been going so well.

But even they weren’t a TOTAL disaster. I mean, I didn’t actually DO any, not by myself at least (good god what on earth were you expecting?!). But I came awfully close, edging one skate out in front of the other on the corners, arse sticking out like a rather cautious duck, shuffling my way around the bends in the track. With the help of the quite excellent Bettie Basher I actually managed to do a few PROPER ones – I got to the point where I let go of her arm which I’d been grasping onto like a hapless cat trying not to fall out of a tree – and I would have been able to do them unsupported if it wasn’t for my pesky brain holding me back and telling me that despite vast amounts of evidence to the contrary, falling over would be really really painful and possibly kill me or if not that, maim me for life at the very least. I wish my brain were a more Bear Grylls and a bit less Pauline Fowler (that's a character from Eastenders for all you kids out there). Is there something I can take for it? I’m starting to think it’s just my age. I’m a very reluctant thrill-seeker.

The session itself went really rather well. Led by Von Sleaze and Marie Bayonet, it started with a crash (!) course going over all the things we’d learnt to date; then we did some drills in which I learnt that I could hop from one skate to the other without making a tit of myself, and jump a whole 2 centimetres from the ground on both skates at once (I can almost hear your gasps of admiration), as well as skate holding onto my ankles in what can only be described as the skating equivalent of frog locomotion. We were also treated to a demonstration from roller derby royalty, Juicy Lucy, a member of Team England who would be skating in the roller derby World Cup in Canada later in the year! She managed to make skating round in a circle look not only effortless but also ridonkulously stylish, exhilarating and cool. And she completed a lap in approximately 0.2 seconds. We are not worthy, and all that.

We also did some stopping practice which was handy and reminded me that there are muscles in my legs that need a serious talking to. I did sort of get better at it though, much to the relief of every other person there as I will NOT be crashing into any of them from now on. I hope.

So there it was: three weeks in, and what a difference. I came away from the session feeling confident, excited and positive. And very disappointed I would be missing three weeks’ worth of valuable training. I know I’m going to have a hell of a lot of catching up to do – I hope I am up to the challenge. I don’t doubt that if I give it my all, I stand a chance of progressing further in my roller derby career. And that’s no less than would be expected of me, or any of the other skaters, new or old, by the team themselves. The thing that’s struck me above anything else over my three weeks in training is the amazing attitude of the girls (and guys), whether team captain or referee or regular skater. They show up to practice week in week out. There’s nothing much in it for them; they don’t get paid, there’s no-one giving them a pat on the back, they aren’t getting credit towards anything. It mustn’t be forgotten that this is an additional demand on their time, on top of their regular practices, bouts and meetings. But they genuinely seem to enjoy it. They share of their knowledge freely and willingly, they are open and friendly and hugely supportive, and what’s more, you can tell they are genuine friends, such is the great rapport between them all.

Yeah yeah, I’ll quit my brown-nosing; the aim of which was not to score points – there’s only one way I can do that and that’s on eight wheels, and I won’t be scoring much on those for some time to come – but to illustrate the camaraderie that training for such a sport brings about. Of course that in itself is not peculiar to roller derby, but the commitment required in getting a relatively unknown sport such as this off the ground and garnering a respectable following isn’t something that traditional team sports in the UK have to worry about, and it's a daunting prospect. But they’re obviously getting there. By putting in such a great deal of work they achieve really respectable numbers in the crowds at their home bouts, and attract – and retain – generous swathes of fresh meat at their newbie sessions. There is real hope for the future of the sport in the area and nationwide if this team are anything to go by. Will I be a part of it? Only time will tell. Time, or Spartan thigh muscles.

The Amazing Adventures of a Rookie Roller Girl II

Week 2: 11th August 2011

I returned for my second week of roller derby training on a wet August evening. Outside, the weather was distinctly moist. I felt this would accurately match the conditions INSIDE the building too, where the forecast was for light moisture early on, becoming heavy later, with widespread showers. (Of sweat, that is. Just in case you didn’t read last week’s blog and missed the analogy there).

My giant skate woes were vanquished this week by the excellent Sniper Viper of the Newcastle Roller Girls who arrived brandishing a spare pair of disco boots which totally fit! Thanks to that lady! Unfortunately however, the curse of the giant gear didn’t end there, as this week I ended up with a helmet so big it looked as though it may have been formed from a cast of an elephant skull. It was approximately the size of a waste paper basket and it rattled around on my apparently tiny head like a box on the head of a small child pretending to be a robot. No matter, the improved ventilation was excellent news for the sweat situation. Although the seeing situation was somewhat hampered what with all the helmet slippage. These things are sent to try us!

Our coach for session two was the beguilingly named Man-Shaped Dog, one of the team’s NSO’s and captain of the newly-formed Merby team ‘Tyne and Fear’ (that’s men’s roller derby for those of you wondering. It is most certainly NOT a dodgy-sounding hairpiece which is, for some reason, what it brings to mind for me. Don’t ask). He had a skills session in store for us which included a variety of extremely handy techniques such as turning, stopping, and going round corners quickly. All very useful stuff, of course. Unfortunately with my lack of experience I was lagging behind, still on the week 1 basics which mainly included ‘staying upright and moving forwards’. But I was getting better at these, at least; I wanted to shout it from the rooftops: ‘look at me! I can skate! I am king of the world!’ but sadly no-one really seemed interested in my new-found skill and I felt something of the frustration of a two-year child trying to get around in a room full of assuredly mobile five-year olds all going about their business on just their two feet without the need for hands OR knees.

Turning was first on the list. ‘We’re going to skate up to the cone and do a 180 degree turn,’ our confident coach assured us. Oh ARE we now?! Is that what you think? I think I can accurately predict the outcome of this particular exercise. And as if by magic, I reached the cone, and managed ooh I don’t know, perhaps 36 degree’s worth of vague left-ward glide before I let myself drift to a halt and shuffled my skate-laden feet round the remaining 144 degrees. Yes, of course we are. I concluded that perhaps turning wasn’t my forte and left it at that.

Next up was stopping. Personally, I felt this possibly would have been better placed as the very first thing we learnt, as it’s sort of integral to the process of not embedding one’s face in walls/the floor/other people’s backs. But hey, what do I know. We learnt two different ways of stopping, one of which involved superhuman outer thigh muscles and the other which involved dragging your wheels along the floor behind you making all kinds of horrendous floor scrapey noises. I wasn’t very good at either of them. Never mind, in the meantime I'll continue face-planting into various bits of other skaters' bodies, as they seem to really enjoy that. I was quite sure that whatever the next thing was, I had to be better at that.

But when we started practising crossovers things got a bit depressing. I literally could not lift one skate over the other, seemingly through a combination of fear and sheer lack of coordination. So of the new skills I’d learnt that day I could do exactly none. I could see others around me progressing and with my already significant disadvantage of having never roller-skated prior to last week, I started to realise that being any good at this roller derby malarkey was going to be one hell of an uphill struggle, one that my impending three week holiday would not do anything to improve. All manner of irritating American ‘can-do attitude’ patter flooded through my mind but the stubborn response of my useless limbs just left me with this song going through my head (please note I am Barry not Freda in this particular analogy).



All failures aside, I still had a great time, and I will of course be returning next week for many further attempts at getting something right. Anything. My mantra shall be:

The Amazing Adventures of a Rookie Roller Girl

Week 1: 4th August 2011

It’s the day of my first ever roller derby session! As with many things in my life I’ve blindly committed to doing this without really thinking through the realities of it or any possible consequences. What on earth am I thinking? I have a feeling I'm unaccustomed to. Nerves. But what am I nervous of? Being crap and failing? Yes, to some extent. But probably more so the notion of impending pain. I’d been told that two roller derby novices such as myself had suffered a broken wrist and a broken ankle respectively in recent NRG newbie sessions. Uh-HUH.

I have a stomach ache. West Denton’s an awfully long way away and I’m feeling a bit tired. It’s raining outside! Maybe I’ll just have a nice night in with a glass of wine and some TV? I’m sure that programme I really like is on tonight. You know, that one. With the… people.

Oh shut up you big girl.

I bucked my spirits and made my way to All Saints College in West Denton and found within what I can only compare to a slightly less bloody version of triage – there were what seemed like HUNDREDS of girls lining the corridor, strewn across the ground. Anxiety and excitement hung in the air. The startling popularity of the first newbie session of the new roller derby training course could be put down the portrayal of this relatively new sport by the excellent Hollywood movie ‘Whip It’, but as that was quite some time ago now, I’d be willing to bet it has far more to do with the work the Newcastle Roller Girls have been putting in to raise the profile of the team and the sport in the local area through tireless marketing efforts – they clearly haven’t gone unnoticed!

I picked my way through the melee and did a spot of waiver-signing before taking to the sports hall (you know: ‘if you die it’s not our fault’? That sort of thing). There were too many folk for the amount of gear available and I was beginning to wonder if I’d even get on a skate that night (let alone two!), but someone must have sensed my bristling enthusiasm as one of the team members totally hooked me up with some gear, including a pair of skates the size of two small yachts, but I wasn’t complaining. I was raring to go!! (I will say, I have larger than average feet. But they are not THAT big. These things had to be at least size 13!).

Bigfoot in the house. My teeny little feet (!) are in there somewhere!

We were given an intro by team captain Brie Larceny along with an inspirational motivational speech which must have had the desired effect as I’m sure I saw a few people salivating immediately afterwards, practically baying for blood they were. We participated in a short warm-up and I realised that my fitness would be literally the only trump card I could play in what I automatically assumed was going to be an every woman for herself, dog-eat-dog stampede in which only the strong would survive. I’ve seen this sport in action, remember. It’s FURIOUS!

Whilst being briefed on the basics I combined pathetic attempts at putting pieces of gear on the right body appendage with an odd sort of bottom locomotion not unlike a child on a tea tray in the snow, before I finally worked out how to stand up and took the first few tottering steps on my 8 wheels. I could stand!! Praise be to the skatey gods! I couldn’t turn, lift either leg, stand up straight or stop, but let’s not be getting ahead of ourselves. I was a woman in motion! I was unstoppable! Literally!

The important things came first: learning how to fall without doing the Laurel and Hardy arm-cycling arse-over-tit thing. That bit I enjoyed for the most part, as it took some of the stigma away from falling over which let’s face it, is everyone’s biggest fear when they have wheels strapped to their feet, am I right? It also gave me some confidence in my ample padding – include the self-made padding on my rear when I managed to take a Laurel and Hardy arse-over-tit-style tumble, falling over by accident whilst practising falling over. Surely it’s not possible? You would think so, wouldn’t you. Anyway, falling correctly I had almost mastered, apart from the fact that my overly mobile front leg kept splaying out resulting in me basically doing the splits, something I haven’t ever actually been able to do! Roller derby – helping you discover skills you never knew you had! Then we practised a fall known as the ‘porn star’ which basically consisted of throwing oneself face-first onto the floor with legs akimbo. I can see why it was given that name. It could have been sexy. If we weren’t a bunch of wobbling be-helmeted fools with heavily padded limbs. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. Weirdo.

I found myself gaining in confidence as the session went on. I was actually moving forwards in the right direction! I was doing the curly-swirly skatey thing I was supposed to be doing! Maybe I wasn’t so hopeless after all!! I was starting to feel quite pleased with myself until a crashing incident in which I was completely blameless resulted in a three-skater pile-on with me at the bottom and then things went a bit, erm, off course. Literally. I let my conviction get the better of me after that and going far too fast for my skill set (it had to be at LEAST 3 miles per hour!) I realised I still hadn’t learnt how to go around corners, especially at speed, attempted to use the surely foolproof ‘crash into the wall’ technique in order to bring myself to a halt, before realising that I’d totally overshot the wall and was actually heading out of the side door. Mortifying. Thankfully no-one really noticed and I re-entered the room and continued on my way (cue flurry of people telling me that not only did they notice but have been laughing at me ever since).

If you couldn’t tell, this was my first ever experience on roller skates. Quite how I reached the age of 30 without having a go on them at least once I do not know. I attempted to use my limited ice skating experience to help me but it’s just not the same at all. I couldn’t understand it! It wasn’t much like an ice rink in terms of the temperature, either. It was bloody boiling, actually. 80-odd women in padding on skates does not a chilled sports hall make. I suddenly realised the folly of not bringing a towel. I’ll tell you right now, just to lay it all out in the open. I sweat. A LOT. If you were there, you’ll have noticed. I was the one who looked like she’d stepped straight out of the shower (no, I wasn’t naked, before you ask). The sweating thing is totally genetic and not at all anything to do with my lack of fitness (honestly, it really is) and having a helmet on doesn’t help the situation. I vowed to be better prepared in the weeks ahead!

So to summarise: it went rather better than expected. I looked at my feet far too much (but in fairness when the items on your feet are that big it’s quite hard to look anywhere else). I uttered two expressions all night ‘ooh sorry’ and ‘oh f**k’. I got a tad moist due to the excessive heat conditions. Oh, and I had a jolly nice time.

You might wonder why I’m bothering to tell you all this. I hope it will serve to amuse fully-fledged roller girls and newbies alike, as everyone will be able to empathise with some aspect of my clumsy attempts to improve myself via the medium of skates. Plus, it turns out it wasn’t all that scary after all. The NRG girls were out in force and were on hand to give us helpful pointers throughout which was so necessary with that amount of us, and it was a really friendly atmosphere. I hope my blog will encourage girls and guys in the local area and everywhere else too to get involved with roller derby. In short, give it a go! What have you got to lose? Aside from a limb or two but hey, let's focus on the positives!

Thanks for reading, please feel free to comment and do join me next week for further amazing adventures with the Rookie Roller Girl! It will hurt me more than it hurts you, and that's a promise!