The Amazing Adventures of a Rookie Roller Girl

Week 1: 4th August 2011

It’s the day of my first ever roller derby session! As with many things in my life I’ve blindly committed to doing this without really thinking through the realities of it or any possible consequences. What on earth am I thinking? I have a feeling I'm unaccustomed to. Nerves. But what am I nervous of? Being crap and failing? Yes, to some extent. But probably more so the notion of impending pain. I’d been told that two roller derby novices such as myself had suffered a broken wrist and a broken ankle respectively in recent NRG newbie sessions. Uh-HUH.

I have a stomach ache. West Denton’s an awfully long way away and I’m feeling a bit tired. It’s raining outside! Maybe I’ll just have a nice night in with a glass of wine and some TV? I’m sure that programme I really like is on tonight. You know, that one. With the… people.

Oh shut up you big girl.

I bucked my spirits and made my way to All Saints College in West Denton and found within what I can only compare to a slightly less bloody version of triage – there were what seemed like HUNDREDS of girls lining the corridor, strewn across the ground. Anxiety and excitement hung in the air. The startling popularity of the first newbie session of the new roller derby training course could be put down the portrayal of this relatively new sport by the excellent Hollywood movie ‘Whip It’, but as that was quite some time ago now, I’d be willing to bet it has far more to do with the work the Newcastle Roller Girls have been putting in to raise the profile of the team and the sport in the local area through tireless marketing efforts – they clearly haven’t gone unnoticed!

I picked my way through the melee and did a spot of waiver-signing before taking to the sports hall (you know: ‘if you die it’s not our fault’? That sort of thing). There were too many folk for the amount of gear available and I was beginning to wonder if I’d even get on a skate that night (let alone two!), but someone must have sensed my bristling enthusiasm as one of the team members totally hooked me up with some gear, including a pair of skates the size of two small yachts, but I wasn’t complaining. I was raring to go!! (I will say, I have larger than average feet. But they are not THAT big. These things had to be at least size 13!).

Bigfoot in the house. My teeny little feet (!) are in there somewhere!

We were given an intro by team captain Brie Larceny along with an inspirational motivational speech which must have had the desired effect as I’m sure I saw a few people salivating immediately afterwards, practically baying for blood they were. We participated in a short warm-up and I realised that my fitness would be literally the only trump card I could play in what I automatically assumed was going to be an every woman for herself, dog-eat-dog stampede in which only the strong would survive. I’ve seen this sport in action, remember. It’s FURIOUS!

Whilst being briefed on the basics I combined pathetic attempts at putting pieces of gear on the right body appendage with an odd sort of bottom locomotion not unlike a child on a tea tray in the snow, before I finally worked out how to stand up and took the first few tottering steps on my 8 wheels. I could stand!! Praise be to the skatey gods! I couldn’t turn, lift either leg, stand up straight or stop, but let’s not be getting ahead of ourselves. I was a woman in motion! I was unstoppable! Literally!

The important things came first: learning how to fall without doing the Laurel and Hardy arm-cycling arse-over-tit thing. That bit I enjoyed for the most part, as it took some of the stigma away from falling over which let’s face it, is everyone’s biggest fear when they have wheels strapped to their feet, am I right? It also gave me some confidence in my ample padding – include the self-made padding on my rear when I managed to take a Laurel and Hardy arse-over-tit-style tumble, falling over by accident whilst practising falling over. Surely it’s not possible? You would think so, wouldn’t you. Anyway, falling correctly I had almost mastered, apart from the fact that my overly mobile front leg kept splaying out resulting in me basically doing the splits, something I haven’t ever actually been able to do! Roller derby – helping you discover skills you never knew you had! Then we practised a fall known as the ‘porn star’ which basically consisted of throwing oneself face-first onto the floor with legs akimbo. I can see why it was given that name. It could have been sexy. If we weren’t a bunch of wobbling be-helmeted fools with heavily padded limbs. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. Weirdo.

I found myself gaining in confidence as the session went on. I was actually moving forwards in the right direction! I was doing the curly-swirly skatey thing I was supposed to be doing! Maybe I wasn’t so hopeless after all!! I was starting to feel quite pleased with myself until a crashing incident in which I was completely blameless resulted in a three-skater pile-on with me at the bottom and then things went a bit, erm, off course. Literally. I let my conviction get the better of me after that and going far too fast for my skill set (it had to be at LEAST 3 miles per hour!) I realised I still hadn’t learnt how to go around corners, especially at speed, attempted to use the surely foolproof ‘crash into the wall’ technique in order to bring myself to a halt, before realising that I’d totally overshot the wall and was actually heading out of the side door. Mortifying. Thankfully no-one really noticed and I re-entered the room and continued on my way (cue flurry of people telling me that not only did they notice but have been laughing at me ever since).

If you couldn’t tell, this was my first ever experience on roller skates. Quite how I reached the age of 30 without having a go on them at least once I do not know. I attempted to use my limited ice skating experience to help me but it’s just not the same at all. I couldn’t understand it! It wasn’t much like an ice rink in terms of the temperature, either. It was bloody boiling, actually. 80-odd women in padding on skates does not a chilled sports hall make. I suddenly realised the folly of not bringing a towel. I’ll tell you right now, just to lay it all out in the open. I sweat. A LOT. If you were there, you’ll have noticed. I was the one who looked like she’d stepped straight out of the shower (no, I wasn’t naked, before you ask). The sweating thing is totally genetic and not at all anything to do with my lack of fitness (honestly, it really is) and having a helmet on doesn’t help the situation. I vowed to be better prepared in the weeks ahead!

So to summarise: it went rather better than expected. I looked at my feet far too much (but in fairness when the items on your feet are that big it’s quite hard to look anywhere else). I uttered two expressions all night ‘ooh sorry’ and ‘oh f**k’. I got a tad moist due to the excessive heat conditions. Oh, and I had a jolly nice time.

You might wonder why I’m bothering to tell you all this. I hope it will serve to amuse fully-fledged roller girls and newbies alike, as everyone will be able to empathise with some aspect of my clumsy attempts to improve myself via the medium of skates. Plus, it turns out it wasn’t all that scary after all. The NRG girls were out in force and were on hand to give us helpful pointers throughout which was so necessary with that amount of us, and it was a really friendly atmosphere. I hope my blog will encourage girls and guys in the local area and everywhere else too to get involved with roller derby. In short, give it a go! What have you got to lose? Aside from a limb or two but hey, let's focus on the positives!

Thanks for reading, please feel free to comment and do join me next week for further amazing adventures with the Rookie Roller Girl! It will hurt me more than it hurts you, and that's a promise!