Daylight Slayings: NRG Canny Belters v Glasgow Maiden Grrders – Part 2

The Main Event

After a triumphant opening bout, it was with some trepidation that fans of the Newcastle Roller Girls peered over the balcony as the Glasgow Maiden Grrders took to the track for their warm-up. These girls looked tough. Like they meant business. They had choreographed warm-up drills, some rather smart kit, plus their name alone was enough to inspire fear in us English softies. They must brush their teeth with Irn Bru. In all seriousness, on paper the home side would have a tough test, the Scottish side being the second string of a team of All-Stars containing no fewer than 11 internationals who had skated in the recent Roller Derby World Cup. But our Canny Belters are not easily intimidated, and as they took to the track to begin the bout if there were any nerves, you couldn’t tell. They looked fierce as always, and the crowd were ready to roar them to victory.

1st Half

And what a start they made, stamping their authority on the game from the off as Miss Wired took lead jammer and made two great passes, shimmying through the pack whilst Bettie BasHer performed her pivot work with style, the blockers for Newcastle knee-deep in complex tactics already, and the score rocketing up to 20-0. The next jam was a powerjam and Newcastle’s Überschnell fought her way through the pack defying gravity to stay on her feet and pick up 5 points.

Sarah McMillan took lead jammer in successive jams for the Maiden Grrders but called them off presumably for tactical reasons without picking up a great deal of points; Von Sleaze meanwhile had stepped in as jammer for the Canny Belters and was doing some fine work, taking their lead back to 20 points, which was immediately improved upon by Captain Brie Larceny who took lead jammer after the pack was destroyed and picked up a hard fought 8 points.

It was all going Newcastle’s way in the opening minutes, strong jamming and tactical blocking working for them, an expertly executed bridging move (yes, I spotted it) slowing down the winner for the best name of the afternoon, Glasgow’s ‘The Very Hungry Splatterkiller’, and preventing her from picking up any points on her jam. It occurred to me that I had never seen the Canny Belters lose a bout. I wondered smugly if I might be some sort of good luck charm.

Marie Bayonet and Glasgow’s Fighting Torque picked up 4 points each for their respective teams before Miss Wired defied the laws of physics, nimbly sliding through the pack like a spirit in the night to score a grand slam before calling off the jam, leaving the Glaswegian blockers wondering whether or not she was actually 2-dimensional. Von Sleaze followed up with a few points before she was called for a penalty. This led to a long and drawn out debate between team line-up manager Man-Shaped Dog and the referee. No-one really seemed to grasp what was going on but there was a fine display of moves going on down on the jam line, with both teams throwing some shapes whilst they waited to get on with the show.

The break in play seemed to unsettle the Newcastle girls and despite some great blocking from both Kalamity James and Lone Danger, both were eventually sent to the penalty box leaving the Canny Belters short and facing their first real test, sustained pressure from the Glasgow jammer allowing the visitors to almost double their points total in a short space of time. The game proceeded in fits and starts, with time outs and stoppages, Von Sleaze and Miss Wired jamming for NRG both picking up a few points, but whenever the home side stretched their lead the Scottish visitors would close the gap, Sarah McMillan picking up four points for the Maiden Grrders despite a superb backwards bridge from the NRG pack. The score was 63-39.

The momentum was definitely swinging in a northerly direction at this point, the Grrders clawing back more points through lead jammer Rogue, before the slippery Miss Wired made another great breakthrough but found herself unable to accrue any points as confusion reigned, a miscommunication over whether or not her jam had been called off leading to the opposing jammer taking lead; the crowd was mystified. The points board appeared to be experiencing similar bafflement as it kept changing, and I struggled to keep up with the points being scored as they racked up on both sides, but the Maiden Grrders appeared to be taking a firmer grip on the bout and the Canny Belters' lead started to slip away, and was all but gone as a great jam for Rogue brought the visitors within 3 points of their hosts despite even more great pack work from the Belters who managed to slow her down rapidly with the bridging tactic.

Although the lead was trickling away, it could have been a lot worse as the blockers’ excellent discipline had minimised Glagsgow’s scoring opportunities and the Canny Belters were given a massive boost just before half time, as Überschnell had a powerjam and clearly thought ‘have it’, making a series of passes and picking up a fantastic 16 points to register treble figures for the home side and give them a real boost going into the break.

Half time score: 104-75

2nd Half

The second period began in much the same way as the first had ended; with NRG in the ascendancy. Von Sleaze and Miss Wired both picked up points. A jam later saw both ladies in starry helmets collapsing in a heap, Fighting Torque somehow picking up lead jammer and Überschnell being sent to the sinbin. The resulting powerjam was costly for the home side, as the Maiden Grrders pack slowed almost to a halt to let their champion past as many times as possible, and despite a sterling effort from the Canny Belters, in particular the imperious Kalamity James, Glasgow’s girls picked up almost 20 points.

111-95 was the score and a grim war of tactical attrition saw the points scoring slow right down. The Maiden Grrders took the knee on the jam line, but some strong blocking and the return of the hitherto banished Überschnell meant that scoring was kept to a minimum. Fighting Torque had another turn as lead jammer, calling off her jam before NRG’s Bettie BasHer could catch up.

This was a war of nerves, as Glasgow picked up a point here and there, and did their damnedest to stop NRG doing the same, their jammers not giving an inch and forcing NRG’s jammers to call off jams early, eking away at the deficit between the teams and driving in a wedge of uncertainty – they were turning the screw. Captain Brie Larceny took control as pivot, abandoning the high-scoring but dangerous knee start in favour of a rolling start, moving her pack off at speed to see if this could help shift momentum back in Newcastle's favour.

Another long timeout was followed by a hard-fought battle for lead jammer which was won by Sarah McMillan, who proceeded to make a full grand slam pass and pick up 5 points. 112-107 – the tension was building and it was palpable all around the building. Vice Captain Von Sleaze took her turn but was declared ‘not lead jammer’ to everyone’s surprise, however NRG blocker Sniper Viper did some great work to allow her jammer through second time around, this time to take lead jammer and 5 points. Touché.

There were some more cagey jams, keeping the score poised agonisingly with less than 10 between the two sides until Miss Wired and Von Sleaze again added to the points total, the latter despite NRG being a blocker down but ably assisted by two of the remaining pack members who made a bridge to allow her through to pick up 4. Then the Very Hungry Splatterkiller, despite awesome name-selection skills, was not able to beat Kalamity James to lead jammer, the latter picking up 4 points thanks in no small point to some further tactical excellence by the Belter blockers (they sound like heart medicine – and you’ll need some after you’ve messed with them! HA!)

The feisty Fighting Talk beat our own Miss Wired to lead in the next jam and despite a formidable hipcheck from Big Smack and Fries she went on to grab a fistful of points, the Canny Belters’ lead hanging by a thread and made even more precarious when Miss Wired was sent to the bin putting the Grrders on the powerjam – the scales tilted and suddenly the visitors took the lead after a massive jam – it was 129-135. A much needed time-out was taken to settle the jangling nerves.

The sinbin started to fill up with NRG skaters, as they tried desperately to limit Glasgow’s burgeoning lead, but the resultant no-pack situations just gave rise to further penalties and it threatened to spiral out of control. Von Sleaze and Überschnell steadied the ship, both taking a turn as lead jammer, and the hapless scoreboard official struggled to keep up with the frenetic pace of the game, rendering me completely unable to write down the correct score and keep track of the action. It was 132-162 in favour of the Grrders when NRG finally returned to full strength. I think.

Miss Wired and Bettie BasHer both collected a couple of points for the Canny Belters as they tried to sneak their way back into the bout in the closing minutes. The comeback was on – but would there be enough time? Rogue could not extend the visitors' lead as she was pegged back by her opposite number Von Sleaze who made a perfect hit, forcing Rogue to call off the jam. Überschnell took lead jammer next and in a last ditch attempt to draw her side level, tore through the Maiden Grrders’ depleted pack repeatedly, the crowd roaring her on, calling off the jam at the perfect time – 155-164.

There were just 9 points in it and it would go down to the final jam, in which Kalamity James did incredibly well to stay on her feet but could only increase the home side’s tally by one as the Glasgwegian blockers made her life difficult and with a few seconds left on the clock, it seemed to be over. It wasn’t actually over though. Or was it? Nobody seemed to know. Not for the first time that afternoon, confusion reigned. It was an anti-climatic end to what had been a rip-roaring clash between two fantastic roller derby sides but it sadly ended in defeat for the Newcastle Roller Girls, by just the slimmest of margins, the final score 156-164.

Mission accomplished? Did I sound like I knew what I was talking about? I'm not a lucky charm, as it turns out, but it was canny exciting, as they say up here in the north-east, and I urge you to get your fine behinds down to the next bout as you don’t know what you’re missing. Or actually, perhaps you do, seeing as I’ve just told you. But to re-emphasize: hot girls, hotpants, fishnets, roller skates, hits (totally legal and non-rule-breaking ones), excitement, tension, cake, music, popcorn, frivolity and even beer if you care to partake of such things. Nice!

Photos by me! For a change!

Daylight Slayings: NRG Canny Belters v Glasgow Maiden Grrders - Part 1

Preview
It was a few weeks prior to my third live roller derby experience, and I was starting to feel like a bit of a failure. If you included the B team bouts, I’d technically received four whole competitive roller derby-ing’s and I’d even had a go at it myself (albeit that was mainly just the trying to stand up on wheels part of the game). I wasn’t a newbie anymore – I should be some sort of expert by now, surely? Slightly alarmed by the fact that I still didn’t know what the blithering hell was going on for much of the time and with a pathological need to know more about sports I joined the ladies at their pre-bout training session to be put through my paces by senior team member Kalamity James, who schooled me on rules and tactics, and left me feeling like a bit more of a roller derby geek, armed with such phrases as ‘taking the knee’, ‘man on’ and ‘bridging’. I will be eagle-eyed and on the lookout out for these plays on Saturday and with my new-found understanding of the depth of the game (three days revision dependent) I shall bring to you in glorious technicolour the blow-by-blow account of the action between Newcastle Roller Girls and their Scottish opponents.

Oh and I also got a sneak preview of the team intros as they choreographed them before my very eyes. The news is, they’re pro’s even when they’re not in the public eye. But then, you’d never have any suspected less, would you.

I even went above and beyond the call of duty, reading and digesting the admittedly slim 43-page rulebook prior to the bout. I’ll be honest, I haven’t read the official rulebooks for many sports, but I’m sure it has to be the only serious sporting rulebook that contains multiple uses of the word ‘booty’, feels the need to actively define choking, biting and kicking as illegal moves, and seeks to penalise someone who is the victim of being tripped or pushed over, merely because they land in a sprawling position. Heaven forbid! Also illegal, apparently, is extended touching to an opponent’s illegal target zone. Oo, and indeed er. This sport is pure filth. Nevertheless I found it thoroughly enlightening, plus it had a glossary to which I will be referring frequently in my post-bout write-up. So expect to hear things that make me sound like I know what I’m doing!

Now, on with the action!

So two more good hard roller derby’ings were about to be administered to my delicate self, but boy did I feel ready for it this time! Armed with my awesome bits of stuff courtesy of my extra-curricular roller derby activity, I was ready to take on the world, one jam at a time.

B Team Bout: Whippin’ Hinnies v Furness Firecrackers

In a sport as relatively new as roller derby, rules are being challenged and subverted at all times, and the migration of the pack back from the pivot line to the jam line is one key tactic which seems to be deployed by all teams, A, B or C. Having had the ‘team photo start’ explained to me fully I now knew what to expect and the Whippin’ Hinnies made full use of it in the opening jams of their bout, ‘taking the knee’ on the jam line to get the advantage over their opponents and get their jammers off to a flying start. They had it down to a fine art in fact, and so well drilled were they that their first three jams were without reply, jammers Penny Bizarre and Carm Like A Bomb picking up four points each in turn to take a commanding early lead 12-0.

The jams kept on rolling for the Whippin’ Hinnies and they extended their lead to 20 points without reply, playing a simple tactical game, picking up lead jammer and making one full pass of the pack to gain four points before calling off the jam. They were clearly sticking successfully to their game plan, the first deviation coming when the Firecrackers finally picked up lead jammer, but she proceeded to fall and was unable to pick up any points, Carm Like A Bomb pouncing and picking up another 4 to punish her opponent’s mistake.

The bout kicked up a gear, as a no-pack situation caused by Furness allowed Guinefear of Jamelot (fabulous name) through to lap the opposing jammer and score five points to the Firecrackers’ 1. 37-2. The first full two minute jam came shortly afterwards, Penny Bizarre making two successful passes, slowed by the opposing blockers on her third but still crashing through, picking up 15 points and allowing the Hinnies to storm into a 46 point lead. Some feistiness started to creep in and penalties began to be dished out, and the home side showed their first signs of weakness, no-pack issues allowing Furness to pick up four points to take their score into double figures. However with Carm Like A Bomb picking up lead jammer on the next jam any worries were soon laid to rest, one of the blockers laying a good hit on an opponent to allow her teammate through to take the score to an impressive 65-11, Carm calling off the jam before Furness were able to pick up points. Some good blocking from Newcastle minimised the visitors’ chances to extend their lead and despite the jammers trading penalties just before half time, both teams were able to pick up a few more points each to go into the break 74-16.

It would take some sort of monumental collapse for the hosts to lose this, surely? You would think, but nothing can be taken for granted in roller derby where a good jam can see a team pick up 20 points or more, so the Hinnies would need to be careful and continue to stick to their so far very well-executed game plan. The teams traded points early in the second half, Furness with a couple of powerjams, some selfless blocking from Meli McSly leaving her on her way to the penalty box but preventing the Firecrackers from a rout of a jam as they started to creep back into the contest. That's taking one for the team if ever I saw it.

The score stood at 82-34 and Furness were chipping away at the deficit but the Whippin Hinnies took control once again, the omnipresent Carm Like A Bomb scoring a ‘grand slam’ on her jam (5 points, as she also lapped the opposing jammer) and continued sterling work from the blockers keeping the Firecrackers’ scoring down. There was no doubt the teams were more level second half, the visitors cottoning on to the taking the knee start, managing to use it to their advantage on a number of occasions, and the scores increased on both sides of the scoreboard. Jamming for Newcastle, Indijo was tripped by a Furness skater but managed to rack up four points, and Dollface Dynamo picked up a few more. Furness were about to take lead jammer but a great take-out from the Hinnies allowed Carm to get through instead and take the home side’s score to three digits. 101-46.

A rare two minute jam saw a raft of points for Furness jammer Hell for Heather, but the Hinnies picked some up too and it looked unlikely that the Cumbrian girls would be able to oust the determined Newcastle skaters. Their heads dropped and the unassailable lead grew and grew, a final jam seeing Penny Bizarre make pass after pass, picking up an incredible 23 points. Final score 137-57. Much love and cuddles ensued.

Newcastle’s B team go from strength to strength giving the team one of those very nice dilemmas – who to select for the A team? Carm Like a Bomb and Penny Bizarre both stood out and will give Captain Brie Larceny a selection headache during future bouts. Well done to all of the Whippin' Hinnies on a well-deserved victory!

Join me later for a play-by-play review of the action in the Main Event!

Photo by Idene Roozbayani

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

So last September, I popped over to America. And while I was there, I happened to take in a top level sporting occasion, as famous baseball rivals LA Dodgers took on 2010 World Series Champions the San Francisco Giants. ‘What?!’ I hear you cry! ‘You paid good money to see a glorified version of rounders played by a bunch of overpaid fat blokes? You weirdo!’ Well, yes. That’s exactly what I did.

I’ve had my ups and downs with American sports over the years. I’ve always thought baseball seemed like a crass version of cricket without any of the intricacies or skill of the latter, and that it seemed interminably boring. During my time living in the States I maintained a mild interest in American football and even got to the point of understanding some of the rules. I watched high school basketball. But I quickly lost interest in both once no longer surrounded by them. Football is LONG. I mean, it takes a really long time to accomplish anything. Gameplay occurs for just a few seconds at a time and is punctuated by long periods of time where teams change from offence to defence, discuss tactics, and generally just fart about. And there’s SO MANY of them. Squads of 100 players appear from the benches once a game is over to slap each other on the behind, and for the amount of play that actually goes on, that’s just too many.

Basketball is the polar opposite. It’s fast, fluid and the squads are small. It has much more of a purity about it. But despite the fact that I think it is a far more athletic and skilled game than football (aside from the quarterback and running back positions who I accept require a modicum of speed and talent) it bores the trousers off me; it’s repetitive and so high-scoring the results often seem arbitrary. Plus the sheer absurdity of the physical dimensions of the folk who engage in the sport at a top level is so mind-boggling it's hard to feel any empathy for them as athletes.

(NB I’m not going to comment on ice hockey in this post; I don’t consider it one of the true American sports, what with it being Canadian and all that, plus I believe the brilliance of it as a sport lifts it right out of this sort of a discussion anyway).

So I chose baseball for my live sporting experience. Something about the idea of seeing a game live had real appeal: beer and hotdogs, sitting in the bleachers, trying to catch a ball when someone hits a home run; it’s the stuff movies are made of, the real authentic American sporting experience, and I wanted me a piece of the action. The timing couldn’t better, with just a couple of weeks to go in the regular season, and my visit to San Francisco coinciding with a three-game series with their long-time rivals the LA Dodgers.

My First Baseball Game

The first two games of the series had not gone the Giants way. They were low-scoring and both went in favour of the South Californian side. It wasn’t looking promising. Having spent almost three weeks travelling around the US I had had a chance to learn my stuff. And learn I had. Sports bar after sports bar I visited, selflessly, all in a bid to ensure readiness for my mission – to understand the rules by the time game day came. I was of course forced to purchase beer products from these establishments in order to spend time utilising their television facilities, but I put myself through this physical abuse in the name of learning. I even did some extra-curricular studying, sitting on patios with even more beer products (forced upon me by local store owners, I hasten to add – you just can’t say ‘no’ to these people!) studying rules on Wikipedia and scores on the MLB website. And so I was ready.

One of the first things you notice about large groups of sports fans in America is the level of general optimism. It could be argued it’s to do with the ridiculously high amount of sugar and E numbers rushing around the bloodstreams of all Americans, but I don’t think so. The quintessential American sporting experience is a much more chipper affair than a dreary Saturday afternoon in November watching a football match, surrounded by a bunch of grumpy blokes whinging about the quality of the pie-filling and shouting abuse at referees. Being a British sports fan can quite often be a depressing experience. In San Francisco by contrast, despite coming off the back of two straight defeats to their arch rivals, you still get a stadium full of happy, friendly people, who want nothing more than to enjoy a nice day out with a vast array of heart-attack inducing snacks and beverages. It’s refreshing.

Oh, and may I say, what a stadium. Just, wow. The AT&T Park is like some kind of weird reverse tardis. It looked massive from the outside but felt perfectly intimate within. It was open and yet enclosed. And the grass!! Okay, it probably wasn’t real. But the green-ness was a breath of fresh air. I came over a bit Charlie Dimmock before I remembered I was wearing a bra and all similarity was lost.

I can’t fail to mention that the date was 9/11/11, exactly 10 years after the terrorist attacks on the USA, and there was an appropriate amount of respect paid, with flags, banners, relatives of some of the victims, soldiers, a flyover, and a great many nationalistic songs. I would normally be gently scathing in my reaction to Americans, well, being American, as British people tend to be to overt acts of nationalism on home soil, but this was something else, and it was moving to be a part of it all.

The game itself got underway in a massively understated way. Two pitches had occurred before anyone really realised it had started and I was keen to get involved straight away. I paid full attention and was thrilled to discover I actually knew what was going on. The studying had paid off. The first innings passed by without any scoring and I felt fully acclimatised (or ‘acclamated’ as the Americans say. Mystifying). The fans in the bleachers were friendly and the atmosphere was buoyant, if not particularly boisterous. One thing we DO do better is chants. Crowd singing didn’t extend beyond ‘let’s go Giants’ and ‘Beat LA’, but there was plenty of music played over the tannoy along with the traditional Hammond organ, and plenty of ‘audience cam’ amusement including the most bad-ass grooving popcorn-seller I’ve ever had the pleasure to witness. There were games, highlights from other matches, players stats and even an adorable piece in which the home players described their own personal anthems, which even featured some singing from one of them – a really nice touch.

In the second innings, I wondered why it was the second innings, as nothing discernible had really changed to speak of – I’m still to figure out how and why innings start and end. Some seemed to go on for an age and others flew by. Both teams scored in the second and the atmosphere picked up. The Giants’ pitcher seemed to be doing a fine job at not letting the batsmen hit many balls (get me totally being down with the lingo!), and also in his favour was the fact he was named Madison Bumgarner. Yup. Ah who am I kidding, I’m not going to go into any detail about the actual game as I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, plus almost half a year has passed since the game, but I’ll cut to the chase and tell you that we won 8-1 (yes, WE – I’m a Giants fan, dontcha know).

We absolutely crucified them!! It must have been me. They were miles better than LA who couldn’t score to save their lives and whenever they did get a good hit were despatched clinically by an almost faultless fielding performance by the Giants. Their pitchers struggled to contain the Giants’ on-form batsmen despite trying some cynical tactics which massively backfired on them, (‘walkin’ ‘em in’ according to the bronzed biker dude next to me who seemed quite happy to adopt us as fellow fans despite our total cluelessness). It was a schooling, plain and simple. How this team had lost the two previous matches to this bunch of no-hopers was beyond me!

I don’t know if I’d necessarily call baseball players ‘athletes’. There are certainly a number of them who ran pretty fast. There are others, equally, for example the popular Pablo Sandoval, who are how shall I put this? A tad rotund. He sort of walked fast, from base to base rather than ran. But he scored points so who am I to argue? Their bodies may not be their temples, but they can sure throw fast and sport a baseball cap jauntily. So from the interminable yet exciting 5th and 6th innings, suddenly it was the 7th innings stretch – I still can’t figure out what THAT was all about other than everyone got up and danced. The last two innings flew by, people left, we were sunburnt, the place was a total trash can, the sun went down, we went out for beer. A good day was had by all. Except the LA Dodgers.

To conclude, I’ve no idea why it’s taken me this long to publish this other than that I returned to normality, ice hockey and to a lesser extent football took over my life once again, and I immediately lost interest in anything baseball-related. Would I go again if I was over in the States? Absolutely. Do I actually care what’s gone in in the MLB since, or will go on this season? Not a jot. But I sure as hell enjoyed being a part of it for a short while.