Daylight Slayings: NRG Canny Belters v Glasgow Maiden Grrders – Part 2

The Main Event

After a triumphant opening bout, it was with some trepidation that fans of the Newcastle Roller Girls peered over the balcony as the Glasgow Maiden Grrders took to the track for their warm-up. These girls looked tough. Like they meant business. They had choreographed warm-up drills, some rather smart kit, plus their name alone was enough to inspire fear in us English softies. They must brush their teeth with Irn Bru. In all seriousness, on paper the home side would have a tough test, the Scottish side being the second string of a team of All-Stars containing no fewer than 11 internationals who had skated in the recent Roller Derby World Cup. But our Canny Belters are not easily intimidated, and as they took to the track to begin the bout if there were any nerves, you couldn’t tell. They looked fierce as always, and the crowd were ready to roar them to victory.

1st Half

And what a start they made, stamping their authority on the game from the off as Miss Wired took lead jammer and made two great passes, shimmying through the pack whilst Bettie BasHer performed her pivot work with style, the blockers for Newcastle knee-deep in complex tactics already, and the score rocketing up to 20-0. The next jam was a powerjam and Newcastle’s Überschnell fought her way through the pack defying gravity to stay on her feet and pick up 5 points.

Sarah McMillan took lead jammer in successive jams for the Maiden Grrders but called them off presumably for tactical reasons without picking up a great deal of points; Von Sleaze meanwhile had stepped in as jammer for the Canny Belters and was doing some fine work, taking their lead back to 20 points, which was immediately improved upon by Captain Brie Larceny who took lead jammer after the pack was destroyed and picked up a hard fought 8 points.

It was all going Newcastle’s way in the opening minutes, strong jamming and tactical blocking working for them, an expertly executed bridging move (yes, I spotted it) slowing down the winner for the best name of the afternoon, Glasgow’s ‘The Very Hungry Splatterkiller’, and preventing her from picking up any points on her jam. It occurred to me that I had never seen the Canny Belters lose a bout. I wondered smugly if I might be some sort of good luck charm.

Marie Bayonet and Glasgow’s Fighting Torque picked up 4 points each for their respective teams before Miss Wired defied the laws of physics, nimbly sliding through the pack like a spirit in the night to score a grand slam before calling off the jam, leaving the Glaswegian blockers wondering whether or not she was actually 2-dimensional. Von Sleaze followed up with a few points before she was called for a penalty. This led to a long and drawn out debate between team line-up manager Man-Shaped Dog and the referee. No-one really seemed to grasp what was going on but there was a fine display of moves going on down on the jam line, with both teams throwing some shapes whilst they waited to get on with the show.

The break in play seemed to unsettle the Newcastle girls and despite some great blocking from both Kalamity James and Lone Danger, both were eventually sent to the penalty box leaving the Canny Belters short and facing their first real test, sustained pressure from the Glasgow jammer allowing the visitors to almost double their points total in a short space of time. The game proceeded in fits and starts, with time outs and stoppages, Von Sleaze and Miss Wired jamming for NRG both picking up a few points, but whenever the home side stretched their lead the Scottish visitors would close the gap, Sarah McMillan picking up four points for the Maiden Grrders despite a superb backwards bridge from the NRG pack. The score was 63-39.

The momentum was definitely swinging in a northerly direction at this point, the Grrders clawing back more points through lead jammer Rogue, before the slippery Miss Wired made another great breakthrough but found herself unable to accrue any points as confusion reigned, a miscommunication over whether or not her jam had been called off leading to the opposing jammer taking lead; the crowd was mystified. The points board appeared to be experiencing similar bafflement as it kept changing, and I struggled to keep up with the points being scored as they racked up on both sides, but the Maiden Grrders appeared to be taking a firmer grip on the bout and the Canny Belters' lead started to slip away, and was all but gone as a great jam for Rogue brought the visitors within 3 points of their hosts despite even more great pack work from the Belters who managed to slow her down rapidly with the bridging tactic.

Although the lead was trickling away, it could have been a lot worse as the blockers’ excellent discipline had minimised Glagsgow’s scoring opportunities and the Canny Belters were given a massive boost just before half time, as Überschnell had a powerjam and clearly thought ‘have it’, making a series of passes and picking up a fantastic 16 points to register treble figures for the home side and give them a real boost going into the break.

Half time score: 104-75

2nd Half

The second period began in much the same way as the first had ended; with NRG in the ascendancy. Von Sleaze and Miss Wired both picked up points. A jam later saw both ladies in starry helmets collapsing in a heap, Fighting Torque somehow picking up lead jammer and Überschnell being sent to the sinbin. The resulting powerjam was costly for the home side, as the Maiden Grrders pack slowed almost to a halt to let their champion past as many times as possible, and despite a sterling effort from the Canny Belters, in particular the imperious Kalamity James, Glasgow’s girls picked up almost 20 points.

111-95 was the score and a grim war of tactical attrition saw the points scoring slow right down. The Maiden Grrders took the knee on the jam line, but some strong blocking and the return of the hitherto banished Überschnell meant that scoring was kept to a minimum. Fighting Torque had another turn as lead jammer, calling off her jam before NRG’s Bettie BasHer could catch up.

This was a war of nerves, as Glasgow picked up a point here and there, and did their damnedest to stop NRG doing the same, their jammers not giving an inch and forcing NRG’s jammers to call off jams early, eking away at the deficit between the teams and driving in a wedge of uncertainty – they were turning the screw. Captain Brie Larceny took control as pivot, abandoning the high-scoring but dangerous knee start in favour of a rolling start, moving her pack off at speed to see if this could help shift momentum back in Newcastle's favour.

Another long timeout was followed by a hard-fought battle for lead jammer which was won by Sarah McMillan, who proceeded to make a full grand slam pass and pick up 5 points. 112-107 – the tension was building and it was palpable all around the building. Vice Captain Von Sleaze took her turn but was declared ‘not lead jammer’ to everyone’s surprise, however NRG blocker Sniper Viper did some great work to allow her jammer through second time around, this time to take lead jammer and 5 points. Touché.

There were some more cagey jams, keeping the score poised agonisingly with less than 10 between the two sides until Miss Wired and Von Sleaze again added to the points total, the latter despite NRG being a blocker down but ably assisted by two of the remaining pack members who made a bridge to allow her through to pick up 4. Then the Very Hungry Splatterkiller, despite awesome name-selection skills, was not able to beat Kalamity James to lead jammer, the latter picking up 4 points thanks in no small point to some further tactical excellence by the Belter blockers (they sound like heart medicine – and you’ll need some after you’ve messed with them! HA!)

The feisty Fighting Talk beat our own Miss Wired to lead in the next jam and despite a formidable hipcheck from Big Smack and Fries she went on to grab a fistful of points, the Canny Belters’ lead hanging by a thread and made even more precarious when Miss Wired was sent to the bin putting the Grrders on the powerjam – the scales tilted and suddenly the visitors took the lead after a massive jam – it was 129-135. A much needed time-out was taken to settle the jangling nerves.

The sinbin started to fill up with NRG skaters, as they tried desperately to limit Glasgow’s burgeoning lead, but the resultant no-pack situations just gave rise to further penalties and it threatened to spiral out of control. Von Sleaze and Überschnell steadied the ship, both taking a turn as lead jammer, and the hapless scoreboard official struggled to keep up with the frenetic pace of the game, rendering me completely unable to write down the correct score and keep track of the action. It was 132-162 in favour of the Grrders when NRG finally returned to full strength. I think.

Miss Wired and Bettie BasHer both collected a couple of points for the Canny Belters as they tried to sneak their way back into the bout in the closing minutes. The comeback was on – but would there be enough time? Rogue could not extend the visitors' lead as she was pegged back by her opposite number Von Sleaze who made a perfect hit, forcing Rogue to call off the jam. Überschnell took lead jammer next and in a last ditch attempt to draw her side level, tore through the Maiden Grrders’ depleted pack repeatedly, the crowd roaring her on, calling off the jam at the perfect time – 155-164.

There were just 9 points in it and it would go down to the final jam, in which Kalamity James did incredibly well to stay on her feet but could only increase the home side’s tally by one as the Glasgwegian blockers made her life difficult and with a few seconds left on the clock, it seemed to be over. It wasn’t actually over though. Or was it? Nobody seemed to know. Not for the first time that afternoon, confusion reigned. It was an anti-climatic end to what had been a rip-roaring clash between two fantastic roller derby sides but it sadly ended in defeat for the Newcastle Roller Girls, by just the slimmest of margins, the final score 156-164.

Mission accomplished? Did I sound like I knew what I was talking about? I'm not a lucky charm, as it turns out, but it was canny exciting, as they say up here in the north-east, and I urge you to get your fine behinds down to the next bout as you don’t know what you’re missing. Or actually, perhaps you do, seeing as I’ve just told you. But to re-emphasize: hot girls, hotpants, fishnets, roller skates, hits (totally legal and non-rule-breaking ones), excitement, tension, cake, music, popcorn, frivolity and even beer if you care to partake of such things. Nice!

Photos by me! For a change!

Daylight Slayings: NRG Canny Belters v Glasgow Maiden Grrders - Part 1

Preview
It was a few weeks prior to my third live roller derby experience, and I was starting to feel like a bit of a failure. If you included the B team bouts, I’d technically received four whole competitive roller derby-ing’s and I’d even had a go at it myself (albeit that was mainly just the trying to stand up on wheels part of the game). I wasn’t a newbie anymore – I should be some sort of expert by now, surely? Slightly alarmed by the fact that I still didn’t know what the blithering hell was going on for much of the time and with a pathological need to know more about sports I joined the ladies at their pre-bout training session to be put through my paces by senior team member Kalamity James, who schooled me on rules and tactics, and left me feeling like a bit more of a roller derby geek, armed with such phrases as ‘taking the knee’, ‘man on’ and ‘bridging’. I will be eagle-eyed and on the lookout out for these plays on Saturday and with my new-found understanding of the depth of the game (three days revision dependent) I shall bring to you in glorious technicolour the blow-by-blow account of the action between Newcastle Roller Girls and their Scottish opponents.

Oh and I also got a sneak preview of the team intros as they choreographed them before my very eyes. The news is, they’re pro’s even when they’re not in the public eye. But then, you’d never have any suspected less, would you.

I even went above and beyond the call of duty, reading and digesting the admittedly slim 43-page rulebook prior to the bout. I’ll be honest, I haven’t read the official rulebooks for many sports, but I’m sure it has to be the only serious sporting rulebook that contains multiple uses of the word ‘booty’, feels the need to actively define choking, biting and kicking as illegal moves, and seeks to penalise someone who is the victim of being tripped or pushed over, merely because they land in a sprawling position. Heaven forbid! Also illegal, apparently, is extended touching to an opponent’s illegal target zone. Oo, and indeed er. This sport is pure filth. Nevertheless I found it thoroughly enlightening, plus it had a glossary to which I will be referring frequently in my post-bout write-up. So expect to hear things that make me sound like I know what I’m doing!

Now, on with the action!

So two more good hard roller derby’ings were about to be administered to my delicate self, but boy did I feel ready for it this time! Armed with my awesome bits of stuff courtesy of my extra-curricular roller derby activity, I was ready to take on the world, one jam at a time.

B Team Bout: Whippin’ Hinnies v Furness Firecrackers

In a sport as relatively new as roller derby, rules are being challenged and subverted at all times, and the migration of the pack back from the pivot line to the jam line is one key tactic which seems to be deployed by all teams, A, B or C. Having had the ‘team photo start’ explained to me fully I now knew what to expect and the Whippin’ Hinnies made full use of it in the opening jams of their bout, ‘taking the knee’ on the jam line to get the advantage over their opponents and get their jammers off to a flying start. They had it down to a fine art in fact, and so well drilled were they that their first three jams were without reply, jammers Penny Bizarre and Carm Like A Bomb picking up four points each in turn to take a commanding early lead 12-0.

The jams kept on rolling for the Whippin’ Hinnies and they extended their lead to 20 points without reply, playing a simple tactical game, picking up lead jammer and making one full pass of the pack to gain four points before calling off the jam. They were clearly sticking successfully to their game plan, the first deviation coming when the Firecrackers finally picked up lead jammer, but she proceeded to fall and was unable to pick up any points, Carm Like A Bomb pouncing and picking up another 4 to punish her opponent’s mistake.

The bout kicked up a gear, as a no-pack situation caused by Furness allowed Guinefear of Jamelot (fabulous name) through to lap the opposing jammer and score five points to the Firecrackers’ 1. 37-2. The first full two minute jam came shortly afterwards, Penny Bizarre making two successful passes, slowed by the opposing blockers on her third but still crashing through, picking up 15 points and allowing the Hinnies to storm into a 46 point lead. Some feistiness started to creep in and penalties began to be dished out, and the home side showed their first signs of weakness, no-pack issues allowing Furness to pick up four points to take their score into double figures. However with Carm Like A Bomb picking up lead jammer on the next jam any worries were soon laid to rest, one of the blockers laying a good hit on an opponent to allow her teammate through to take the score to an impressive 65-11, Carm calling off the jam before Furness were able to pick up points. Some good blocking from Newcastle minimised the visitors’ chances to extend their lead and despite the jammers trading penalties just before half time, both teams were able to pick up a few more points each to go into the break 74-16.

It would take some sort of monumental collapse for the hosts to lose this, surely? You would think, but nothing can be taken for granted in roller derby where a good jam can see a team pick up 20 points or more, so the Hinnies would need to be careful and continue to stick to their so far very well-executed game plan. The teams traded points early in the second half, Furness with a couple of powerjams, some selfless blocking from Meli McSly leaving her on her way to the penalty box but preventing the Firecrackers from a rout of a jam as they started to creep back into the contest. That's taking one for the team if ever I saw it.

The score stood at 82-34 and Furness were chipping away at the deficit but the Whippin Hinnies took control once again, the omnipresent Carm Like A Bomb scoring a ‘grand slam’ on her jam (5 points, as she also lapped the opposing jammer) and continued sterling work from the blockers keeping the Firecrackers’ scoring down. There was no doubt the teams were more level second half, the visitors cottoning on to the taking the knee start, managing to use it to their advantage on a number of occasions, and the scores increased on both sides of the scoreboard. Jamming for Newcastle, Indijo was tripped by a Furness skater but managed to rack up four points, and Dollface Dynamo picked up a few more. Furness were about to take lead jammer but a great take-out from the Hinnies allowed Carm to get through instead and take the home side’s score to three digits. 101-46.

A rare two minute jam saw a raft of points for Furness jammer Hell for Heather, but the Hinnies picked some up too and it looked unlikely that the Cumbrian girls would be able to oust the determined Newcastle skaters. Their heads dropped and the unassailable lead grew and grew, a final jam seeing Penny Bizarre make pass after pass, picking up an incredible 23 points. Final score 137-57. Much love and cuddles ensued.

Newcastle’s B team go from strength to strength giving the team one of those very nice dilemmas – who to select for the A team? Carm Like a Bomb and Penny Bizarre both stood out and will give Captain Brie Larceny a selection headache during future bouts. Well done to all of the Whippin' Hinnies on a well-deserved victory!

Join me later for a play-by-play review of the action in the Main Event!

Photo by Idene Roozbayani

A Very Merry Rollin' Christmas

The day was Saturday. The weather was unpleasant. The head was fuzzy. The Lightfoot Centre in Walker was still an insane-looking seventies contraption. Except about 25 degrees colder than the last time I'd been there. The reason for my voluntarily leaving the house on a cold, drizzly weekend afternoon, when I would otherwise have been reclined on my sofa taking in the day’s football news with a variety of savoury snacks? There could be only one: the latest Newcastle Roller Girls home bout.

Festive punnery abounded in the bout, cunningly titled ‘While Zebras Watched Our Blocks’. It would see two teams from Newcastle taking one another on in the opening ‘B’ team bout before the main event: a clash between Newcastle’s Canny Belters and Edinburgh’s ARRG Cannon Belles (yes, the two names are similar. Yes, I did get confused on occasion. My notes, full of abbreviations as usual, made little sense when I realised after half an hour that both teams were the ‘CBs’. I digress...)

It had been a while since my brief foray into the brave new world of roller derby, and bearing in mind that foray had been, well, a bit pants really, bearing in mind it consisted a great lumbering oaf (me) trying to remain upright on four wheels, I was chomping at the bit to see the professionals in action. The atmosphere was jolly and the day started with a reminder of the rules of the sport which was a welcome relief as I’d gone a bit blurry on them if I’m honest, but I quickly remembered they involved women crashing into other women, women creating moving walls, women using one another as weapons, and similar such fun.

And so to the B team bout, which was to whet the appetite for the Christmas feast on offer that afternoon. I’d like to state how impressed I was from the outset. There is a real depth to the NRG squad now, which becomes apparent when you see they have enough skaters for two credible sides to take one another on before you even get to the main team. Also the quality of the second string skaters compared to the last time I was in attendance has vastly improved.

Sleigh Belles vs Christmas CrackHers. Just out of shot, Santa has been spotted. Naked.

That said, it was still delightfully mental. There was a lot of squawking, and some exceptional crashes and pile-ups, but aside from the odd one being caused by a person tripping themselves up, they generally came off the back of an excellent check or block, so well done those girls. Uberschnell in particular did some good jamming (check my technical terminology) picking up bucketloads of points for her team. I spent some time trying to figure out penalties but didn’t do very well. For some reason it always seemed as though the person who was wronged was sent to the sin bin rather than the aggressor. Perhaps my eyes just weren’t quick enough to register the myriad things that were going on at any one time. Or maybe roller derby takes a dim view of people tripping and getting in the way. How very dare they!

Aside from that I felt more comfortable with the rules, although I must say there was an odd-looking starting position which I didn’t quite understand, the four blockers from one team kneeling down on the start line in formation, as if they were about to have a team photo taken. It wasn’t very effective as the jammer nearly always broke loose immediately, skipping over the collection of sluggishly arising blockers and making her way to some points. The bout ended with an injury but it didn’t look too serious; the victors were the Christmas CrackHers (ba-dum tshhh) narrowly beating the Sleigh Belles. There was a bit of a love-in and then we were on our way to the main event, which followed a ‘surprise game’ involving wrapping up audience members like Christmas presents – well why not.

We opted for ground level viewing, protected from the action by nothing more than a wooden barrier – it was to be like trench warfare, with glitter. The skaters from NRG took to the track to warm up looking fierce, and exceptionally thin I might add, and received a Hollywood-style introduction which was no less than they deserved. The Cannon Belles did a sort of group chant/ raindance/ meditation. The atmosphere built and we were underway.

It was a cagey start, the two teams ranked 6th and 14th respectively (the Scottish team the higher ranked) feeling each other out early on (oo-er). But there wasn’t much time on the clock before GG Fox and vice captain Von Sleaze picked up the Canny Belter’s first points, the latter taking advantage of the ‘team photo’ start adopted by the Cannon Belles, similarly ineffectual as it had been in the prior bout.

They're canny. They're beltin'. And oh my, are they fabulous. Hollywood entrance by the NRG girls.

I daydreamed about how cool it would be to be a jammer. I defy you to watch roller derby and not want to be one. It’s the roller skating equivalent of being head cheerleader. Or the one at karaoke who can actually sing. I mean, seriously. You get to wear a star on your helmet, and if you’re faster than your opposite number, you get your very own referee skating around the inside of the track pointing at you with his arm in the air. Your very own man telling you ‘you’re the best! Yeah!’ whilst you zoom serenely around the track, protected by a bevy of lovely ladies, picking up points for your team and making everyone cheer.

And with a wistful sigh, I’m back in the room. I’ll simply never be that cool.

The bout was noticeably more tactical than the B team affair had been, with lots of very slow starts and tense exchanges between blockers and jammers. And penalties, boy were there a lot of those! Some of them were self-explanatory, for example Von Sleaze tripping the opposition jammer when she was clean through and about to start picking up points – the equivalent of a trip in the box in football. Lucky there’s no red card. She came on and proceeded to get sent straight back off again. In fact the vice captain appeared to be carrying out some kind of bet as she amassed at least six penalties that I can recall. I wonder if she won the bet? She’s a dirty girl, nonetheless.

She's quick, she's hard, she'll drop you on your arse, Von Sleeeeeaze! Von Sleaze!

Aside from all the misdemeanours there was rampant point-scoring going on, GG Fox picking up some more along with Bettie Basher, who was living up to her name and throwing some quality hits, and the Canny Belters streaked into the lead (oo-er). But shortly after, Kaos Moss picked up a bucketload of lovely points for the Cannon Belles and the visiting side clawed their way back into the bout. Then there was another intriguing blocking tactic in which the Canny Belters performed a kind of limbo. This was much more effective than ‘team photo’ start as the opposing skaters all fell over.

Captain Brie Larceny jammed her way to another couple of points and the home side crept back into the lead. In the early part of the first period the scoreline remained tight, the two teams trading the lead for a while, until the turning point came, with some minutes left in the first period (I was far too enthralled to be looking at any damn clock – there were scantily clad sportwomen zooming past my very eyes for crying out loud!), when GG Fox picked up a staggering 17 points on the powerjam to take the Canny Belters leaping into the lead by the halfway point.

The second period was delayed due to Big Smack and Fries having some helmet trouble (oo-er). This time was passed pleasantly by the girls; there was singing and dancing on the start line and generally being friendly and such. I don’t know if it’s a case of too much ice hockey but I do wish they’d be a bit more aggressive at times. Even during altercations they remain pally and well, you know, a bit of a strop and a punch in the arm wouldn’t go amiss once in a while, know what I mean? Okay it’s official, I watch too much ice hockey. I’ll try to stop myself from yelling ‘bench clearance’ next time. Although I'm willing to bet that Von Sleaze would be up for it.

That’s not to say there isn’t physical contact. Oh no, there’s plenty. Hip checks and shoulder barges are the order of the day, and I definitely spotting some mounting going on early in the second period. Anywaaaay. Oh yes, the action. I knew I was supposed to be doing something other than talking about sporting violence and making childish euphemisms.

The Canny Belters had a commanding lead as they entered the second and the imperious GG Fox picked up even more points early on (what did they put in HER Lucozade?), followed by Bettie Basher in her incredible gravity-defying top, almost - but not quite - displaying more than just her bodacious jamming skills. Hot on her heels, Von Sleaze burst from the traps like a bullet from a gun to collect more points, taking the NRG girls’ score to over double that of their opposition and place them firmly in the driving seat (oo-er. Oh wait, that one wasn’t rude. Double entendre fail).

CAUTION: Mounting may occur at any moment. Stand well clear.

The Cannon Belles’ key jammer, Kaos Moss, finally managed to chalk up a few more, despite looking a bit on the tired side (I'll be honest, she looked wrecked, but she was being used heavily by her team so it's hardly surprising), before NRG’s fabulous Miss Wired came into her own. Probably the best skater on the team, to these novice eyes at least, with amazing poise and speed and mind-bending balancing skills, she made fools of the opposition, FOOLS I say, to pick up 10 points in one jam and a smattering of points across a number of other jams. She’s so dreamy.

Fittingly, Captain Brie Larceny took the NRG score past the 100 mark and there looked to be no way back for the visitors. Then things started to stretch out as skaters tired; there were powerjams aplenty (remember, they’re when one team is a man down so the other has a better chance to pick up points. Nothing to do with concentrated strawberry preserves OR a rocking guitar practice session) and these seemed to change hands constantly as skaters came and went from the penalty box, keeping the seats warm (it was bloody freezing in there) and causing a constant shift of power from one team to the other. The visitors used these valuable opportunities to rack up a few more points and an unlikely comeback could have been on the cards, but even as the thought was considered the score swung back in the Canny Belter’s favour, Von Sleaze, Miss Wired and Marie Bayonet picking up enough points to surely take the contest out of reach. A last gasp opportunity for the Cannon Belles arose as three Canny Belters found themselves warming one another's cocklese in the Sin Bin (oo-er) and a strong final jam for Kaos Moss picked up an additional 9 points but it was too little too late. The bout was over, the score confirmed at 117-84.

And so it was over. It had been a journey. A deeply stylish, warm and fuzzy journey. With added innuendo. And elbows. And to the victors, the spoils. The girls and their baying fans made their way to the after party for copious amounts of festive cheer in liquid form. Here's to a great win and another cracking afternoon's entertainment - now onwards and upwards for the Newcastle Roller Girls.

PS Did I mention that Sniper Viper was mint? Because she so is.

All photos courtesy of Idene Roozbayani http://www.idene.co.uk/

The Amazing Adventures of a Rookie Roller Girl III

Week 3: Thursday 18th August 2011

Every awesome adventure series comes in three parts, so consider this the conclusion to a trilogy of extreme ineptitude: how will it end for our intrepid heroine? Will she escape to her American holiday unscathed or will there be last minute disaster as she skates into a wall and breaks her face?

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t the end for me and roller derby; far from it. But as I’m taking an enforced hiatus due to a three-week holiday to the USA, now feels like a good time to reflect on my inauspicious beginnings in this new venture of mine. After the frustration of week two when I singularly failed to master a single skill, I went into my third week of training with more than a little trepidation; I hate being crap at things - it just annoys me. And I was glum at the prospect of failing some more. In addition to that, I REALLY couldn’t afford to have any accidents what with my pending trip. Imagine my surprise when I put my skates on and the whole thing just sort of... clicked into place. I wasn’t doing anything fancy, oh no, just going forwards at a reasonable pace, and negotiating bends with relative ease, but that in itself was a vast improvement. I actually felt a sense of joy to be back on skates. I felt quite smug. Then we were told to practice our crossovers. Damn. It had all been going so well.

But even they weren’t a TOTAL disaster. I mean, I didn’t actually DO any, not by myself at least (good god what on earth were you expecting?!). But I came awfully close, edging one skate out in front of the other on the corners, arse sticking out like a rather cautious duck, shuffling my way around the bends in the track. With the help of the quite excellent Bettie Basher I actually managed to do a few PROPER ones – I got to the point where I let go of her arm which I’d been grasping onto like a hapless cat trying not to fall out of a tree – and I would have been able to do them unsupported if it wasn’t for my pesky brain holding me back and telling me that despite vast amounts of evidence to the contrary, falling over would be really really painful and possibly kill me or if not that, maim me for life at the very least. I wish my brain were a more Bear Grylls and a bit less Pauline Fowler (that's a character from Eastenders for all you kids out there). Is there something I can take for it? I’m starting to think it’s just my age. I’m a very reluctant thrill-seeker.

The session itself went really rather well. Led by Von Sleaze and Marie Bayonet, it started with a crash (!) course going over all the things we’d learnt to date; then we did some drills in which I learnt that I could hop from one skate to the other without making a tit of myself, and jump a whole 2 centimetres from the ground on both skates at once (I can almost hear your gasps of admiration), as well as skate holding onto my ankles in what can only be described as the skating equivalent of frog locomotion. We were also treated to a demonstration from roller derby royalty, Juicy Lucy, a member of Team England who would be skating in the roller derby World Cup in Canada later in the year! She managed to make skating round in a circle look not only effortless but also ridonkulously stylish, exhilarating and cool. And she completed a lap in approximately 0.2 seconds. We are not worthy, and all that.

We also did some stopping practice which was handy and reminded me that there are muscles in my legs that need a serious talking to. I did sort of get better at it though, much to the relief of every other person there as I will NOT be crashing into any of them from now on. I hope.

So there it was: three weeks in, and what a difference. I came away from the session feeling confident, excited and positive. And very disappointed I would be missing three weeks’ worth of valuable training. I know I’m going to have a hell of a lot of catching up to do – I hope I am up to the challenge. I don’t doubt that if I give it my all, I stand a chance of progressing further in my roller derby career. And that’s no less than would be expected of me, or any of the other skaters, new or old, by the team themselves. The thing that’s struck me above anything else over my three weeks in training is the amazing attitude of the girls (and guys), whether team captain or referee or regular skater. They show up to practice week in week out. There’s nothing much in it for them; they don’t get paid, there’s no-one giving them a pat on the back, they aren’t getting credit towards anything. It mustn’t be forgotten that this is an additional demand on their time, on top of their regular practices, bouts and meetings. But they genuinely seem to enjoy it. They share of their knowledge freely and willingly, they are open and friendly and hugely supportive, and what’s more, you can tell they are genuine friends, such is the great rapport between them all.

Yeah yeah, I’ll quit my brown-nosing; the aim of which was not to score points – there’s only one way I can do that and that’s on eight wheels, and I won’t be scoring much on those for some time to come – but to illustrate the camaraderie that training for such a sport brings about. Of course that in itself is not peculiar to roller derby, but the commitment required in getting a relatively unknown sport such as this off the ground and garnering a respectable following isn’t something that traditional team sports in the UK have to worry about, and it's a daunting prospect. But they’re obviously getting there. By putting in such a great deal of work they achieve really respectable numbers in the crowds at their home bouts, and attract – and retain – generous swathes of fresh meat at their newbie sessions. There is real hope for the future of the sport in the area and nationwide if this team are anything to go by. Will I be a part of it? Only time will tell. Time, or Spartan thigh muscles.

The Amazing Adventures of a Rookie Roller Girl II

Week 2: 11th August 2011

I returned for my second week of roller derby training on a wet August evening. Outside, the weather was distinctly moist. I felt this would accurately match the conditions INSIDE the building too, where the forecast was for light moisture early on, becoming heavy later, with widespread showers. (Of sweat, that is. Just in case you didn’t read last week’s blog and missed the analogy there).

My giant skate woes were vanquished this week by the excellent Sniper Viper of the Newcastle Roller Girls who arrived brandishing a spare pair of disco boots which totally fit! Thanks to that lady! Unfortunately however, the curse of the giant gear didn’t end there, as this week I ended up with a helmet so big it looked as though it may have been formed from a cast of an elephant skull. It was approximately the size of a waste paper basket and it rattled around on my apparently tiny head like a box on the head of a small child pretending to be a robot. No matter, the improved ventilation was excellent news for the sweat situation. Although the seeing situation was somewhat hampered what with all the helmet slippage. These things are sent to try us!

Our coach for session two was the beguilingly named Man-Shaped Dog, one of the team’s NSO’s and captain of the newly-formed Merby team ‘Tyne and Fear’ (that’s men’s roller derby for those of you wondering. It is most certainly NOT a dodgy-sounding hairpiece which is, for some reason, what it brings to mind for me. Don’t ask). He had a skills session in store for us which included a variety of extremely handy techniques such as turning, stopping, and going round corners quickly. All very useful stuff, of course. Unfortunately with my lack of experience I was lagging behind, still on the week 1 basics which mainly included ‘staying upright and moving forwards’. But I was getting better at these, at least; I wanted to shout it from the rooftops: ‘look at me! I can skate! I am king of the world!’ but sadly no-one really seemed interested in my new-found skill and I felt something of the frustration of a two-year child trying to get around in a room full of assuredly mobile five-year olds all going about their business on just their two feet without the need for hands OR knees.

Turning was first on the list. ‘We’re going to skate up to the cone and do a 180 degree turn,’ our confident coach assured us. Oh ARE we now?! Is that what you think? I think I can accurately predict the outcome of this particular exercise. And as if by magic, I reached the cone, and managed ooh I don’t know, perhaps 36 degree’s worth of vague left-ward glide before I let myself drift to a halt and shuffled my skate-laden feet round the remaining 144 degrees. Yes, of course we are. I concluded that perhaps turning wasn’t my forte and left it at that.

Next up was stopping. Personally, I felt this possibly would have been better placed as the very first thing we learnt, as it’s sort of integral to the process of not embedding one’s face in walls/the floor/other people’s backs. But hey, what do I know. We learnt two different ways of stopping, one of which involved superhuman outer thigh muscles and the other which involved dragging your wheels along the floor behind you making all kinds of horrendous floor scrapey noises. I wasn’t very good at either of them. Never mind, in the meantime I'll continue face-planting into various bits of other skaters' bodies, as they seem to really enjoy that. I was quite sure that whatever the next thing was, I had to be better at that.

But when we started practising crossovers things got a bit depressing. I literally could not lift one skate over the other, seemingly through a combination of fear and sheer lack of coordination. So of the new skills I’d learnt that day I could do exactly none. I could see others around me progressing and with my already significant disadvantage of having never roller-skated prior to last week, I started to realise that being any good at this roller derby malarkey was going to be one hell of an uphill struggle, one that my impending three week holiday would not do anything to improve. All manner of irritating American ‘can-do attitude’ patter flooded through my mind but the stubborn response of my useless limbs just left me with this song going through my head (please note I am Barry not Freda in this particular analogy).



All failures aside, I still had a great time, and I will of course be returning next week for many further attempts at getting something right. Anything. My mantra shall be:

The Amazing Adventures of a Rookie Roller Girl

Week 1: 4th August 2011

It’s the day of my first ever roller derby session! As with many things in my life I’ve blindly committed to doing this without really thinking through the realities of it or any possible consequences. What on earth am I thinking? I have a feeling I'm unaccustomed to. Nerves. But what am I nervous of? Being crap and failing? Yes, to some extent. But probably more so the notion of impending pain. I’d been told that two roller derby novices such as myself had suffered a broken wrist and a broken ankle respectively in recent NRG newbie sessions. Uh-HUH.

I have a stomach ache. West Denton’s an awfully long way away and I’m feeling a bit tired. It’s raining outside! Maybe I’ll just have a nice night in with a glass of wine and some TV? I’m sure that programme I really like is on tonight. You know, that one. With the… people.

Oh shut up you big girl.

I bucked my spirits and made my way to All Saints College in West Denton and found within what I can only compare to a slightly less bloody version of triage – there were what seemed like HUNDREDS of girls lining the corridor, strewn across the ground. Anxiety and excitement hung in the air. The startling popularity of the first newbie session of the new roller derby training course could be put down the portrayal of this relatively new sport by the excellent Hollywood movie ‘Whip It’, but as that was quite some time ago now, I’d be willing to bet it has far more to do with the work the Newcastle Roller Girls have been putting in to raise the profile of the team and the sport in the local area through tireless marketing efforts – they clearly haven’t gone unnoticed!

I picked my way through the melee and did a spot of waiver-signing before taking to the sports hall (you know: ‘if you die it’s not our fault’? That sort of thing). There were too many folk for the amount of gear available and I was beginning to wonder if I’d even get on a skate that night (let alone two!), but someone must have sensed my bristling enthusiasm as one of the team members totally hooked me up with some gear, including a pair of skates the size of two small yachts, but I wasn’t complaining. I was raring to go!! (I will say, I have larger than average feet. But they are not THAT big. These things had to be at least size 13!).

Bigfoot in the house. My teeny little feet (!) are in there somewhere!

We were given an intro by team captain Brie Larceny along with an inspirational motivational speech which must have had the desired effect as I’m sure I saw a few people salivating immediately afterwards, practically baying for blood they were. We participated in a short warm-up and I realised that my fitness would be literally the only trump card I could play in what I automatically assumed was going to be an every woman for herself, dog-eat-dog stampede in which only the strong would survive. I’ve seen this sport in action, remember. It’s FURIOUS!

Whilst being briefed on the basics I combined pathetic attempts at putting pieces of gear on the right body appendage with an odd sort of bottom locomotion not unlike a child on a tea tray in the snow, before I finally worked out how to stand up and took the first few tottering steps on my 8 wheels. I could stand!! Praise be to the skatey gods! I couldn’t turn, lift either leg, stand up straight or stop, but let’s not be getting ahead of ourselves. I was a woman in motion! I was unstoppable! Literally!

The important things came first: learning how to fall without doing the Laurel and Hardy arm-cycling arse-over-tit thing. That bit I enjoyed for the most part, as it took some of the stigma away from falling over which let’s face it, is everyone’s biggest fear when they have wheels strapped to their feet, am I right? It also gave me some confidence in my ample padding – include the self-made padding on my rear when I managed to take a Laurel and Hardy arse-over-tit-style tumble, falling over by accident whilst practising falling over. Surely it’s not possible? You would think so, wouldn’t you. Anyway, falling correctly I had almost mastered, apart from the fact that my overly mobile front leg kept splaying out resulting in me basically doing the splits, something I haven’t ever actually been able to do! Roller derby – helping you discover skills you never knew you had! Then we practised a fall known as the ‘porn star’ which basically consisted of throwing oneself face-first onto the floor with legs akimbo. I can see why it was given that name. It could have been sexy. If we weren’t a bunch of wobbling be-helmeted fools with heavily padded limbs. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. Weirdo.

I found myself gaining in confidence as the session went on. I was actually moving forwards in the right direction! I was doing the curly-swirly skatey thing I was supposed to be doing! Maybe I wasn’t so hopeless after all!! I was starting to feel quite pleased with myself until a crashing incident in which I was completely blameless resulted in a three-skater pile-on with me at the bottom and then things went a bit, erm, off course. Literally. I let my conviction get the better of me after that and going far too fast for my skill set (it had to be at LEAST 3 miles per hour!) I realised I still hadn’t learnt how to go around corners, especially at speed, attempted to use the surely foolproof ‘crash into the wall’ technique in order to bring myself to a halt, before realising that I’d totally overshot the wall and was actually heading out of the side door. Mortifying. Thankfully no-one really noticed and I re-entered the room and continued on my way (cue flurry of people telling me that not only did they notice but have been laughing at me ever since).

If you couldn’t tell, this was my first ever experience on roller skates. Quite how I reached the age of 30 without having a go on them at least once I do not know. I attempted to use my limited ice skating experience to help me but it’s just not the same at all. I couldn’t understand it! It wasn’t much like an ice rink in terms of the temperature, either. It was bloody boiling, actually. 80-odd women in padding on skates does not a chilled sports hall make. I suddenly realised the folly of not bringing a towel. I’ll tell you right now, just to lay it all out in the open. I sweat. A LOT. If you were there, you’ll have noticed. I was the one who looked like she’d stepped straight out of the shower (no, I wasn’t naked, before you ask). The sweating thing is totally genetic and not at all anything to do with my lack of fitness (honestly, it really is) and having a helmet on doesn’t help the situation. I vowed to be better prepared in the weeks ahead!

So to summarise: it went rather better than expected. I looked at my feet far too much (but in fairness when the items on your feet are that big it’s quite hard to look anywhere else). I uttered two expressions all night ‘ooh sorry’ and ‘oh f**k’. I got a tad moist due to the excessive heat conditions. Oh, and I had a jolly nice time.

You might wonder why I’m bothering to tell you all this. I hope it will serve to amuse fully-fledged roller girls and newbies alike, as everyone will be able to empathise with some aspect of my clumsy attempts to improve myself via the medium of skates. Plus, it turns out it wasn’t all that scary after all. The NRG girls were out in force and were on hand to give us helpful pointers throughout which was so necessary with that amount of us, and it was a really friendly atmosphere. I hope my blog will encourage girls and guys in the local area and everywhere else too to get involved with roller derby. In short, give it a go! What have you got to lose? Aside from a limb or two but hey, let's focus on the positives!

Thanks for reading, please feel free to comment and do join me next week for further amazing adventures with the Rookie Roller Girl! It will hurt me more than it hurts you, and that's a promise!

Confessions of a Roller Derby Novice

Firstly, an apology to my regular readers. Without a weekly hockey match to force me to keep to some sort of schedule my time-keeping is all over the place, and this report comes well over a week late, so yes, sorry about that, bad blogger. I shall administer repeated slaps to my own face in repentance. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

But anyway. Did you know, it’s been a whole seven months since I’ve reviewed a new sport! How very lax of me. It was all because I found out there WAS no professional tiddlywinks league in North Shields and I was disillusioned for a while, but fear not: I intend to remedy the situation by telling you all about last weekend’s trip to a roller derby bout in Walker. Who knew I would ever speak those words?

For those of you not familiar with the Tyne and Wear area, let me describe Walker for you. You know that feeling when you’re in the middle of describing your drunken weekend exploits to your office colleages, complete with actions and relevant colourful language, and your boss walks in? That cold, deathly feeling as all the air leaves the room, like the life has been sucked out of it? Welcome to Walker. It’s a happiness vacuum. And it’s one of those places where regardless of the exterior temperature, you close your car windows and lock down the doors, and pray you don’t run over a well-placed rock in the road before reaching your final destination.

Yes, it’s a joy to behold, as is the not-very-aptly-named Lightfoot Centre that has landed within the Walker area like a prop UFO from a 70’s sci-fi B movie, its corrugated tin domed exterior as much a highlight of the local area as it would be a blot on the landscape of any more average residential neighbourhood. We entered the building with more than a little trepidation and discussed the distinct possibility that roller derby could be a front for the Scientologist rally it seemed more likely would be taking place in such a peculiar architectural wonder.

More impressive then our surroundings once seated in the auditorium; the domed ceiling concealed a wooden roof within it reminiscent of old-fashioned American sports hall and it was surprisingly packed to the rafters with numerous fans of women on roller skates (well, who wouldn’t be one?). The event was inventively but somewhat mystifyingly for us novices named ‘Sweet Home Alajammer’. We took our seats in the balcony area just in time for the B team bout, which featured the second string skaters from the competing sides, Newcastle Roller Girls and Leicester’s Dolly Rockit Rollers. Prior to the competition there was a cute skit in which the girls faced off, Wild West style, before the action began. Helpfully, the announcer kindly explained the rules of roller derby before the bout kicked off, which was useful as I hadn’t a clue what to expect other than a vague memory of the goings-on in that film ‘Whip It’ with that girl what was really good in Juno and Drew Barrymore being quite scary. As I later discovered there was also a handy section in the front of the programme explaining things more clearly. As an aside I’d like to complement the girls on the quality of the programme itself, which contained collections of photos of all the participants and was also free – a nice touch.

So roller derby then. Let’s cover the basics. It’s played by women. On roller skates. Wearing hotpants and tights and named a variety of menacing and/or amusing tongue-in-cheek things such as Penelope Hitstop, Whippi Longstocking and Bettie Basher. Oh, and there’s an awful lot of jam.

Girls on skates. Preparing to use one another as missiles. Sweet.

Photo reproduced courtesy of Idene Roozbayani

The rules then? In short, there are five team members in play at any one time. Four of them are essentially there to block, and one is the points-scorer or ‘jammer’ (see I told you there was a lot of jam), who tries to get round the track and pass as many of the opposing team members as possible ahead of the opposing teams’ jammer, ably assisted by the pack and hindered as much as possible by the opposing team’s pack. Are you with me? It sounds simple enough – bordering on basic even – but throw in some frenetic hand signals, some hilarious hip-checking and shoulder barges, plenty of American-style line changes and the distraction of the various outfits on display and you realise there’s a lot more to roller derby than just a selection of slightly terrifying women with wheels strapped to their feet.

The B team brawl seemed a bit all over the place but in reality I think it was a combination of new team members finding their feet in the sport and new spectators with less than a speck of a clue to rub together about what was going on that probably caused the confusion. OK, maybe a slight hangover and the pounding dance music in my ears may also have had something to do with it. It’s a lively atmosphere, that’s for sure. All in all, it gave me a sort of warm, fuzzy feeling in my stomach, once again not knowing what the hell was going on at a sport to which I was a spectator. Ah, happy memories.

Sadly for the home team, Leicester’s Free Birds won the B team bout. The main event followed shortly afterwards. In the break we admired the Newcastle Roller Girls' A team, the Canny Belters, dressed to the nines in smart black uniforms with various adornments and war paint, running a rather impressive looking warm-up before taking to the track for a warm-up skate. There was a similarly well-staged Wild West-themed pre-game skit and then the stand-off commenced. The difference in quality was plain and some of the skaters had real finesse and quite a turn of pace. We started to grasp the rules and it became more exciting as the contest unfolded. The first period went in favour of the visitors, their jammer, Gob Stop’her, one of the fastest skaters of the day, racking up lots of points and leaving the Canny Belters trailing at half time. The whole thing was quite well-orchestrated and we started to grasp the tactical plays which were more subtle than you might imagine from a group of women trying to barge each other off their feet with their hips. The blockers (is that the right word, I’ve already forgotten?!) work as a team, moving collectively to obstruct the opposing jammer and then seamlessly dropping away to let their own jammer pass. I even witnessed girls using each other as weapons, launching one another into opposing players to clear them from the track to make way for their jammer. Nice!

This girl means business. So does the other one. You'd better watch out!

Photo reproduced courtesy of Idene Roozbayani

The guys get involved too, taking roles as referees, coaches and announcers, and it seems that soon there will even be an opportunity for them to get their skates on and take part in an all-male version of the sport, rather disturbingly named ‘merby’. I’ll be intrigued to see how that one turns out.

In terms of interestingly named sections of gameplay, I was thankful to find that a ‘powerjam’, rather than being a particularly concentrated variety of fruit preserve designed to give extra kick to your breakfast croissant, was actually something I could latch onto rules-wise, reminiscent as it is of the ice hockey powerplay, in which the opposition lose their jammer to a penalty allowing the other jammer to have free reign and rack up as many points as possible. In the second period we (ooh, get me getting all possessive of another Newcastle team!) made the most of the powerjam opportunities when they arose, and we closed the gap on the Dolly Rockit Rollers and eventually took the lead. Impressive jamming displays from amongst others Marie Bayonet and Hot Whips, and Von Sleaze with an unrivalled 21 point jam put the Canny Belters in the driving seat and we showed up our opponents’ lack of strength in depth. They relied heavily on their one – admittedly excellent – jammer, but she tired towards the end and lost her legs, unable to pick up many additional points and the Newcastle Roller Girls went on to claim a 107-83 victory.

So to re-cap: women. On skates. In hotpants. With awesome names. Using each other as weapons. Hmm. I most definitely approve. On reflection, who wouldn’t want to attend a sport that actually has first aiders on hand at all times? It certainly gave me the bug and come July, I will be swapping my ice skating blades for skates of the four-wheeled variety to see what the fuss is all about. I can’t deny the thought of facing up against some of the more amply-thighed ladies fills me with a slight sense of dread, but hey, I’ve got a canny pair of hips on me myself so hopefully I’ll give as good as I get. Oh and I won the raffle! I never win anything!

So if you fancy any and/or all of the above get yourselves down to the depths of Walker in the near future. It's dark, it's dangerous, and it rocks a fine collection of short shorts. And clearly I don't just mean the questionable local area! See the Newcastle Roller Girls website for further information on upcoming bouts and getting involved! Do it NOW!

http://newcastlerollergirls.co.uk/

Now I'm off to crawl back under the rock I came from and lie dormant for another few weeks until the inaugural Whitley Bay Hamster Wheel Demolition Derby. See you there!