When less than two minutes into a film, your inner film critic starts composing sentences about how bad said picture is, it’s never a good sign.
The trailer for Season of the Witch suggested that it was basically going to be Nicolas Cage, being Nicolas Cage, but in medieval times. Score. Throw in the colossal visage of Ron Perlman and you are surely talking about the most kick-ass team of dudes in all of Christendom? Which is strangely appropriate, as we join the pair romping their way through the Crusades in the 1300s killing Jews and various other heathens left, right and centre. But they leave the army after suddenly growing a conscience about killing civilians (yes, because I bet they didn’t kill a single one in the previous seven years) and are eventually captured and imprisoned for desertion. Here begins our story: it’s just a shame that the prior build-up was so cringe-worthy that I’m already left cold and slumped, frowning over my popcorn.
Now don’t get me wrong. I didn’t go along expecting to see a full-scale epic quest movie, and I did expect it to be somewhat tongue-in-cheek. But there’s comedy and then there’s just terrible. The inconsistency of the comedic elements didn’t help. The entire beginning section could have been viewed as pure farce if there had been any suggestion that it would be heading in that direction, but the middle section falls flat on its face in comedy terms, masquerading instead as a tense supernatural thriller. I don’t think it helped that the motley crew of misfits undertaking the journey which constituted the bulk of the plot displayed very little in the way of depth and inspired very little in the way of empathy. The so-called witch herself prowled cat-like in her cage flashing beseeching wide eyes presumably in an attempt to prompt an 'is she or isn't she' reaction in the audience. Sadly their isn't enough of a hook and the plot bumps along the bottom of the film experience like a square wheel.
The script itself was unbelievable dross; flat, uninspired and at times wildly anachronous, it lurched painfully from faux middle English to modern day schtick. I wouldn’t have been surprised to hear Cage call Perlman ‘brah’ at any time. I’ll leave specific examples out of it so as not to hamper the small amount of amusement you’ll actually get if you choose to watch the film, but suffice to say, it was way off the mark and completely off-putting.
Plus points to be drawn from this bizarre piece of film-making go to the cinematographer, who brilliantly presented the backdrop of the Austro-Hungarian wilderness in all its bleak and jaw-dropping splendour. Lots of prizes go to the make-up and costume department for their work on the pus-filled boils and the spectacular helmets, respectively. I also rather liked Nic Cage’s long curly hair. Um, what else? Well, the ending is truly hilarious. The movie finally remembers what it should have been about in the first place and having seen Ron Perlman headbutt Satan himself, I left the cinema relieved that I had been able to claw a modicum of enjoyment from the thing at all.
Rating – 1/10 if they were serious. 4/10 if they weren’t.
The trailer for Season of the Witch suggested that it was basically going to be Nicolas Cage, being Nicolas Cage, but in medieval times. Score. Throw in the colossal visage of Ron Perlman and you are surely talking about the most kick-ass team of dudes in all of Christendom? Which is strangely appropriate, as we join the pair romping their way through the Crusades in the 1300s killing Jews and various other heathens left, right and centre. But they leave the army after suddenly growing a conscience about killing civilians (yes, because I bet they didn’t kill a single one in the previous seven years) and are eventually captured and imprisoned for desertion. Here begins our story: it’s just a shame that the prior build-up was so cringe-worthy that I’m already left cold and slumped, frowning over my popcorn.
Now don’t get me wrong. I didn’t go along expecting to see a full-scale epic quest movie, and I did expect it to be somewhat tongue-in-cheek. But there’s comedy and then there’s just terrible. The inconsistency of the comedic elements didn’t help. The entire beginning section could have been viewed as pure farce if there had been any suggestion that it would be heading in that direction, but the middle section falls flat on its face in comedy terms, masquerading instead as a tense supernatural thriller. I don’t think it helped that the motley crew of misfits undertaking the journey which constituted the bulk of the plot displayed very little in the way of depth and inspired very little in the way of empathy. The so-called witch herself prowled cat-like in her cage flashing beseeching wide eyes presumably in an attempt to prompt an 'is she or isn't she' reaction in the audience. Sadly their isn't enough of a hook and the plot bumps along the bottom of the film experience like a square wheel.
The script itself was unbelievable dross; flat, uninspired and at times wildly anachronous, it lurched painfully from faux middle English to modern day schtick. I wouldn’t have been surprised to hear Cage call Perlman ‘brah’ at any time. I’ll leave specific examples out of it so as not to hamper the small amount of amusement you’ll actually get if you choose to watch the film, but suffice to say, it was way off the mark and completely off-putting.
Plus points to be drawn from this bizarre piece of film-making go to the cinematographer, who brilliantly presented the backdrop of the Austro-Hungarian wilderness in all its bleak and jaw-dropping splendour. Lots of prizes go to the make-up and costume department for their work on the pus-filled boils and the spectacular helmets, respectively. I also rather liked Nic Cage’s long curly hair. Um, what else? Well, the ending is truly hilarious. The movie finally remembers what it should have been about in the first place and having seen Ron Perlman headbutt Satan himself, I left the cinema relieved that I had been able to claw a modicum of enjoyment from the thing at all.
Rating – 1/10 if they were serious. 4/10 if they weren’t.
